


Is This Your Escape?

by inyourbrain



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: Angst, Attraction, Baby Gay, Eventual Smut, F/F, Gardener Jamie, Love, Self Growth, Slow Burn, Thirsty4Jamie, teacher Dani
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:21:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 38,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27676657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inyourbrain/pseuds/inyourbrain
Summary: He's your best friend. You could do so so much worse. How bad could it be?Would she really have married him if she'd known the answer to that? Would she have given freely her autonomy if she had known just how much of it he would take, known what she would be giving up?A year into her marriage Dani gets the chance to teach at an elite boarding school with an enigmatic gardener who wiggles her way under her skin and into her mind. And for the first time finds herself falling heart first into lust.Pressures at home force her to reevaluate her life choices, and finding the strength to say no when she means it.
Relationships: Dani Clayton & Edmund O'Mara, Dani Clayton & Jamie, Dani Clayton/Jamie
Comments: 170
Kudos: 687





	1. 1

Nestled within rolling green fields, close to the Northern border of Iowa, lay St. Charlotte’s Academy. A formidable looking structure, old grey brick and tall windows, a sole resplendent figure cut into the horizon, pulled straight from an 19th century novel, and placed ever so strangely outside of a Midwestern village.

The polished lawns stretched out before the structure, along the boundaries of the estate, immaculate and _beautiful_. Dani’s breath caught in her throat. Certainly, this was grass you absolutely stayed off. She could not find very many memories of herself agreeing with the old stuffy phrase, but the emerald hue to this lawn undoubtedly commanded respect.

This, Dani admired upon her first glimpse of the place, was the most breath-taking school she had ever been to. It had not helped her nerves as she had taken place beside a dozen other hopefuls vying for their chance to work here. How was there even this many teachers out of work in a town of only fifteen hundred?

To know that such a place even existed in Iowa made her feel… _inadequate_. An anxious tightening in her chest constricted with each time one of her fellow interviewees shuffled through their notes, looked at the clock, bounced their leg nervously.

By the time the headmistress had called her in, she could feel her self-sweating through her shirt.

The woman introduced herself in a clipped British inflection and asked her the usual questions. She followed along, attentive to Dani’s pre-prepared answers, _head of the tutoring committee, teacher/student ambassador, event management,_ and smiled just a little sadly.

Panic curled within her, lashed at her with its tightening tendrils, sucked all her preparation from mind. The sad smile worn by the headmistress already transmitting the thoughts directly into her brain, _you’re just not the right fit for the position._

Unacceptable. She _needed_ this job.

A nightmare unfurled within her mind, she had gone into an English test having only studied Math. Like sand through her fingers she could feel her chance slipping away, and with each attempt to grab it tighter it filtered through all the faster. The woman obviously did not think she had _it_. It was in the eyes.

Dani smiled back at Mrs. Grose and chuckled a little, and let the pretense slip away. Cards on the table. She spoke to the older woman as she would a friend, told her that yes, while her experience up until this point had been through the public sector she didn’t feel that mattered all that much, _a kid is a kid, right? She loved kids, especially the lonely ones. Boarding school is tough and sometimes there’s just no substitute for the desire to help kids the way she does. And she knows that’s rare._ Everything else after that was a blur, she could not for the mortified life of her remember a single word she said after that.

Dani left the interview feeling… _deflated_. They would take her unimpressive memory and her unremarkable words and throw it in the reject pile just as soon as her car crossed back into bumblefuck Iowa, out of the majesty of this place.

And _fuck_ if that didn’t suck the fucking hardest.

This beautiful place could have been her haven. Could have been the perfect escape. A solid fifty-minute drive on a good day away from the small town with the big empty house Edmund had bought them the previous year, _“we can afford it Danielle, I just got the MASON promotion!”_

The fucking Mason promotion, Dani laughed bitterly to herself as she strolled slowly, _reluctantly_ , back to her car. The Mason promotion seemed like a great idea at the time, Eddie would be working further away. She could breathe a little bit easier, have a little bit more time to herself, just some _space_ to be her own person. Maybe even make a fucking friend.

Of course, it didn’t turn out that way, why would it? She had been foolish for thinking it so. After all, where would Eddie be without Dani?

_Eddie and Danielle._

_Eddie and Danielle._

_Eddie and Danielle._

_Eddie and Danielle._

It had never been any other way, so of course he would put a bid in on a house in a small backwater town away from anything, anyone, they’ve ever known. Of course, he would inform their landlord of the end of their tenancy. Of course, he would let his mind run away into the future without waiting for Dani to catch up.

And most of all, of course, he would put his own career before her. _You don’t have to work, I’m working for the both of us now!_

Now she had been a full year out of work, and boy, she was so angry she could spit. He would see her locked in a house all day with nothing to do but await his return. Move her away from anyone she had ever known. Would have her life consisting of Eddie and Eddie alone. Assuredly going about his days convinced he was all she could ever need.

Well she wouldn’t fucking have it.

Her choices were a small public school in the small town, already overstaffed for the number of children the community produced, or St Charlotte’s Academy. A prestigious position mercifully had been advertised the previous month, and she had applied with perhaps just a few little white lies peppered into her resume. Everyone did it, right? It was enough to get an interview.

Eddie had been furious she hadn’t spoken to him about it.

_I thought you were going to stay home, Danielle! We’d decided! I can support us both!_

_WE haven’t decided anything, Eddie, YOU decided. YOU moved us here, you applied for YOUR promotion and brought me along without ever asking me! I’m not giving up my career to be a housekeeper for you!_

_You’re not a houseKEEPER Danielle, you’re a houseWIFE! It’s normal for you to stay home! People will think I’m not making enough money for us!_

She looked into his eyes then and found a complete stranger staring back at her, all insecure pretense and image. She had never been so disgusted in her life. Where had her friend gone? And when had he been replaced by this monster?

She wiped a tear from her eye and looked away from the pretty pastel tulips that framed the car park. She got back into her car, a gaping hopeless hole where her heart used to be.

“Hey!” Eddie called, opening the front door and letting it slam.

Dani jerked out of her trance, _fucking hell, how long had it been_? If Eddie was home, then it was around six o’clock. Her interview had finished at three. God she’d been staring at her glass of wine for two hours. She looked up to meet his smiling gaze in the doorway and felt… nothing.

“Hey,” he repeated, and walked over to paste a dry kiss on her cheek. “Dinner ready? I’m starved. How did your interview go?”

She began to cry. Hot, fat tears rolling down her cheeks.

Eddie stopped in his tracks, eyes widening and rushed over to encircle her in his arms. She laid her head on his chest, thankful only that he had the good grace not to tell her he would _take care of them both._

He rubbed soothing circles on her back and let her cry, sure that she was crying for her spoiled chance at Charlotte’s, happily ignoring that she cried for so much more. Cried because she hadn’t told him _no_ more, cried because she had been goaded into being a yes-man by her mother, by his mother. Had stood beside him at the alter and said more yeses and now was sat crying in an kitchen that didn’t feel like her own, in the arms of a man she wasn’t in love with.

How was this her life? Her future stretched before her like a dark cloud.

She rested her head on his chest when all her tears had run themselves through and stilled. It was easier to remember their lives before he had become so much more than the boy she had such a fondness for. And that was how this was her life, because she had thought _how bad could it be? You’re marrying your best friend. It could be so much worse, and he’s so happy._

She couldn’t have what she really wanted anyway.

He picked up the bottle of wine she had been steadily working through and topped up her glass, and she laughed. A genuine emotion rearing its head, and surprising her, after so long.

“Thanks,” she sniffled and picked up the glass.

He smiled down at her and popped a kiss on her forehead. “How does pizza and a movie sound?”

“Sounds pretty good,” she nodded. Sounds just like old times pizza and sleepovers and staying up as late as they could. Judy would convince her mom that it was alright and there was nothing to be worried about. They would have fun, laugh all night long.

And it started out like that, huddled under a blanket on the couch and Dani felt lighter than she had in a long time, just being with her friend. But all too soon old times turned into _new_ times and the brief glimpse of the boy was gone, replaced by the man whose hand crept up her leg and whose breath was hot on her neck, whose body covered her own and caused a cold shame to lick inside of her like wildfire, burning through any affection she had left for him.

She turned her head away, careful to hide the fat tears that once again leaked from her eyes.

The house phone rang the next day as she was making breakfast. She sucked her thumb as it caught a small spit of oil.

“Danielle?” Eddie called from the hallway. “One second,” she heard him mumble into the phone.

She turned the gas off and walked curiously over to him, accepting the outstretched phone. His eyes held an intensity to them that she didn’t like.

“Hello?” she spoke, irked and throwing a dirty look toward him when he failed to offer the caller’s details.

“Hello, Mrs. O’Mara? It’s Hannah Grose, calling from St. Charlotte’s Academy.”

Dani’s eyes widened and Edmund’s narrowed. “Hello! Hi! Yes. How are you?”

“Very well indeed,” she replied. “I’m just calling with an offer for you, I was very impressed with your interview and I know it’s quite soon but I didn’t see a need to keep you waiting.”

“Oh my gosh, that’s fantastic!” she laughed into the phone and turned away from Edmund as his jaw set.

“Yes, we are absolutely delighted for you to be joining us. You see, we’re rather quite like a family here.” Dani could hear the smile in her voice through the phone. “The nature of the job with boarders is unlike what a day school environment would be. Your experience and your references were fantastic. But really, it’s the attitude toward the children that I quite liked the most.”

“Wow! Thank you! Thank you so much,” she laughed into the phone. Edmund exited the hallway quickly in the corner of her vision. “I accept!”

“That’s fantastic dear, a bit of good news for the day!” she said. “If you’re available this afternoon I’d love to show you around the grounds, go over the finer details with you?”

“Yes, absolutely, I’m absolutely available! Is three okay?” Dani checked the hall, ensuring she was alone, and bent down to retrieve her bag from under the coat rack.

“Wonderful dear, I’ll see you then.”

“Bye!” She waited for Mrs Grose to hang up the phone before she began to talk into the receiver again, “Oh, yes, of course!” as she pulled out her packet of contraceptive pills and popped one quickly into her mouth before stuffing the packet back into the end of her bag. “Okay, bye now!” she called into the receiver theatrically, and like clockwork as soon as she put it down Edmund was poking his head into the hallway as expected.

“You got the job,” he stated rather dully.

“I got the job!” she yelled happily, jumping up and down. Laughter filling the hallway.

He smiled, but it did not reach his eyes.

She couldn’t bring herself to care.

She smoothed down the line of her skirt, wanting to make a good impression, as she looked at herself in the mirror.

“Wait what?” Edmund asked from his position on the bed, watching her. Always watching her.

“It’s a boarding school, Eddie.” An explanation in itself. She bit her lip guiltily. She thought he might have pieced it together based solely on that. He was a smart guy. It was a slim chance though, Eddie coming to any sort of conclusion like this on his own. She had let it slide, the longer she could put this argument off the better her chances at accomplishing her goal.

“Yes, I know that Danielle, thank you,” he snapped.

She met his gaze in the mirror, stopping in her tracks from where she was viewing different angles. Irritation bubbled in her stomach at his attitude. His happy friendly demeanor went down like a lead balloon as soon as she had received the call this morning, just as she had known it would. Snide comments here and there gave it away; he was determined to ruin this for her. “What is your problem Eddie?” she asked, irritated.

His eyebrows rose beyond the top of his glasses and his mouth hung open slightly, taken aback at her direct challenge. More direct than she had been in a long time. He’d gotten too used to her meek and mild acceptances.

“My _problem_ , _Danielle_ , is that my _wife_ will be missing from our home for an entire week every month. _THAT_ is my _PROBLEM_.” His face was turning red.

Her stomach twisted. She was finally being presented with an opportunity to extract a little bit of herself from Eddie’s grasp. He was working himself up to starting a fight she couldn’t let him win. A vindictive streak whipped through her. “Well- well- deal with it, Eddie,” she stammered, “that’s _your_ problem, not mine. I love teaching and I want this job.” She turned back to the mirror to look at herself.

His mouth fully dropped open, gaped like a fish, trying to find the words. “It seems to me like it’s _our_ problem, Danielle, we’re supposed to be starting a family! How is that going to work with you gone for an entire week every fucking month?”

She looked at the mirror, refusing to meet his gaze, and pondered how had it come to this again. She could see he was in pain, could see her acceptance of the week of night duty every month tore into him in a way she didn’t understand. In a way she _couldn’t_ understand. It hurt him to be separated from her. Shouldn’t the thought of it be hurting her too? Was she too broken to even feel a fraction of the pain he was feeling?

But _God_ it didn’t bother her at all. Not even a small bit. A week of peace. She couldn’t wait. She felt nothing at the thought that she would escape him for a few days.

 _Escaping_ her _husband_.

They hadn’t spoken directly about starting a family ever. Not in any way that could be counted as a two-way conversation. She hadn’t agreed to anything as a willing participant, merely smiled and nodded in the most neutral way she could think of doing. He pasted his own narrative onto her blank slate and took it as he normally did: enthusiastic support.

He seemed to be waiting for a response from her, staring at her and growing more and more frustrated by the minute. “Eddie,” she spoke sharply, with finality, “I’m not doing this with you.”

In her head she said the rest, _…starting a family with you. Living this life with you. Being yours forever – for a second longer,_ but naturally he took it as this argument, this fight, this day. He snarled in frustration and stormed over to the door, mumbling something about her being his wife and not needing her to be making money anyway.

Dani exhaled a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding and felt, with a crushing bleakness in her chest, a few tears slip out.

She returned home that evening feeling lighter than when she had left. Mrs Grose had been an absolute pleasure to talk to, an actual mature conversation where Dani felt like an equal participant. She looked her in the eye, listened intently to her questions, did not skip over parts she might not like.

It struck a chord in her and she felt herself lighten tangibly, laughed freely, and let the excitement really fill her for the first time in years. Mrs Grose was an intelligent, independent, classy woman who was giving her the time of day. Treated the words coming from her mouth at face value, did not twist their meanings to fit into some fantasy.

St. Charlotte’s had been just as beautiful as the first time she had set foot inside. The full tour took over an hour. She had been shown her classroom, her own room for the week of night duty, the staff room – just a kitchen really, the students would dine in the dining hall, and out to the grounds.

Each of their stops came with its own little surprise, and in a truer sense than she had ever felt it before, Dani felt like a kid at Christmas opening presents all for herself.

She would be teaching second grade, her favourite. The magical age where they’re still young enough to believe the white lies created especially for them, but old enough for the reasoning and curiosity to begin. The perfect balance of magic and meaning.

The classroom itself was rather blank, bare from the previous year’s clear out. She walked around the outskirts, touching the walls, imagining filling it with art projects and colour. Imagined a room filled with little voices and laughter. The despair and triumphs over new ideas, fractions, decimals, grammar. The possibilities surged through her like electricity.

Her night duty room was equally bare, a large bed and connected en-suite. Nothing fantastically furnished, not like the kid’s dorms which seemed to command a much larger budget with their furnishings. But all the same, it was perfect for her. A bed and a lamp, that was all she would need. She could be by herself in the evenings, have the space in her own head to think for herself. In a word it was paradise.

The staff room was comfortable enough, a table in the corner of a large kitchen. Owen, the chef, had been there ticking off inventory for the start of the year, only a week away now. He had introduced himself with an easy smile and a “how dough you do?” setting bags of flour down for the counting. Hannah had rolled her eyes and pulled her along for the rest of the tour. The smile was still on her lips by the time they made it out to the greenhouses.

Three large greenhouses lined up along the back of the estate, two dedicated solely the growing of organic vegetables on site to feed the children (and staff). The other was “an experimental laboratory”, the title having been delivered to Dani in a clipped tone and pursed lips. Dani had chuckled.

The gardener, who had steadfastly ignored their presence until this comment cracked her disinterested façade, spoke with a fond kind of irritation, “my experimental laboratory keeps your petunias glowing all year round, doesn’t it?” She patted the pot of soil in front of her for emphasis.

“Alas,” Hannah chucked and nodded, “I must concede, your petunias do bloom year-round.” She glanced at Dani, “this is Jamie, gardener extraordinaire. And Jamie, this is Dani, the new second grade teacher.”

Dani turned to the gardener and offered her hand. The woman had small beads of sweat clinging to her collar in the humid greenhouse, the line of which Dani refused to follow with her gaze. Her hair was pinned up against her head and dirt had made its home on her cheek and a jawline for days. A twinge of disappointment rooted in her when Jamie held up her soil lined palms in apology and Dani immediately pulled her hand back.

“Come,” Mrs Grose spoke softly. “We must go and get your contract together.”

She had felt more happiness and ease in that one afternoon than she had felt in the past year, had spent the entire drive home smiling to herself and singing along with the radio. She’d let down her window and belted out the words to the wind.

It came crashing down around her the moment she opened her front door. Edmund’s gaze shot straight to her, his hand clamped around the phone and a hurried, “she’s home I’ll call you back” He put the phone down and Dani caught her breath.

“Who was that?” she asked.

“Just Mom,” he answered.

“Oh,” Dani smiled, a suspicion made her head its home, “how is she?” She did not ask for details. He’d clearly started the witch hunt at her returning to work, likely soon to be joined by her own mother.

“She’s good,” he replied in a terse tone.

Inwardly she rolled her eyes, so this was how it was going to be. She ignored him and walked into the kitchen, his lunch dishes still sitting in the sink. Unwilling to add to the tension she flipped the water on and set about washing them.

“So,” he lingered in the doorway.

“Hmm?” she asked, not helping him at all.

“Well, how was it?”

 _Like you actually care. It was amazing. It was perfect. It was a dream come true._ “It was fine,” she replied. If she were honest with him in her enthusiasm, he would find a way to spoil it for her. She almost dared herself to do it anyway, to see if she would be right. But she clamped down on that, what would be the point in another argument.

“Just fine?”

 _Amazing, perfect, a dream come true!_ She screamed inside, at him, at herself.

She let a breath out slowly. “Yes, it was fine. You’ve eaten?” She asked.

“Yeah. So, it was just fine, just fine as in you don’t want to take the position now?” He took a hopeful couple of steps closer to her.

Dani’s heart thudded hard inside her chest, dread sneaking its way from her heart to her stomach. “I signed my contract today, Eddie,” she sighed.

“So even _just fine_ is enough for you to be away from home every month. That’s all it takes for you, is it?” He spoke with venom in his voice.

She put the dishes in the rack and rested her hands on the counter, head dipped. She was so unbelievably tired of being what he wanted her to be all the time. Caught now between tears of exhaustion and hysterical laughter that even pretending not to be completely ecstatic, not rubbing just how good of a job this was in his face, was enough to push him over the edge.

“What is wrong with you, Eddie?” She asked, whirling around to face him. “You don’t get to decide everything that I do, what makes you think you have that right!” She was galled, and unable this time to keep it inside. “What do you want? Me to sit around all day with no friends, in a new town, and just what? Wait for you to walk in through the door after work every day?”

“So, what, you’re doing this because you’re lonely? You’re acting like this because you miss being back home, miss me being with you while I’m at work?” A flash of understanding, of hope, lit his eye. And once again he just was not hearing her words.

“No Eddie, no! Not everything is about you!” she shouted at him, hurt flashing across his face. Confusion, stupid fucking _confusion_ lighting up his features.

“What is that supposed to mean, Danielle!”

“I’m doing this because it is what I love doing. It’s what _I love doing._ Do you think I honestly should just give everything up and dedicate my life to your life!” Fury flooded her.

“You’re my _wife,_ Danielle.” He held out his hands in front of him, in front of her face, as if trying to gift her with the understanding she lacked.

 _Wife, bride, fiancée, girlfriend._ Was that her entire identity in his eyes?Was that really the only way he ever saw her? Did it always make her stomach turn so unpleasantly? Embarrassment flooded her every time she thought about it. How in the name of God did she ever think this would be _easier_? If only she could go back and do it all again.

“My first week of night duty is the second week in September,” she spoke plainly and true, no room for more argument.

The door rocked the walls on his way out.

She woke, later that night, when he crawled into bed, reeking of whisky. He pawed at her hips, waist, ribs. Desperation in his touch. She pushed his hand away, and he paused. She closed her eyes again, but again he snuck his hand under her thin pyjama top, only for Dani to shove it away again. He huffed out a breath of frustration and left the room with an, “okay Dani,” and a slam of the door.

She cried herself back to sleep, at his pain and at hers. And in relief that tonight she would not have to pretend.

The frosty atmosphere in the house persisted for the rest of the week. A thin elongated silence only punctured by passive aggressive door slamming, simpering platitudes, and solo activities.

For the most part it did not bother Dani, she could deal with the silences and the hostility while he was in the house. He was gone for a good nine hours of the day, and that was enough time for her to get her lessons planned. She dove into it headfirst, filling page after page with possibilities. Determined that this would be the best year she could make it. She needed it.

He came in in the evening and looked distastefully at the plans she had set up on the coffee table in the living room, inane day time TV playing in the background. She had spent the past year with this TV, and in her final week it kept her motivated to plunge headfirst into teaching again if only to get away from it.

She went to bed before him each night, faced away from him, and to her relief he had not tried at any point again to be with her.

She could feel his will slipping faster than hers. His eyes lingered longer on her face, his lips moved as if trying to form a sentence. An apology?

But not her. She was unwavering. His expectations were too high of her, and she had already stretched herself far enough. She didn’t have any more in her.

And so, when she received the phone call in the afternoon from her mother, berating her for being a _bad wife_ , making _terrible decisions_ and a worrying over _what kind of a mother she would turn out to be_ , Dani slammed the receiver down. She had never hung up on her mother before, but absolute rage had taken hold of her.

Rage at the expectations her _mother_ now had of her marriage, and repulsion at the thought of having a baby with her husband. Shame came thick and fast then, it wasn’t fair on anyone that she would not have a baby with him. He deserved to be a father, and their mothers deserved to be grandmothers. But wasn’t that the kind of thinking that got her into this mess in the first place? She would not allow it to take over again.

He came home that evening looking, to his credit, quite a bit more sheepish than he had been looking all week. He tried harder this night than any previous since the argument to make up with her, without success. He could not have picked a worse time, in her opinion, following such a betrayal. To set her _mother_ on her was so far beyond what she was prepared to deal with this time.

And so, on Monday the 31st of August, after a night of restless excitement, she left the house on her first day of her new job, without any well wishes from her husband. And though she didn’t mind no attention from her husband, it would have been nice for her best friend to wish her luck.

It was quickly forgotten in the meeting and greeting of the children, the ice breaker games she played to get to know them, the summation of the year that she would take them through. They brought pure joy into her heart. Their little intuitive faces, excited to be back with their friends after a long summer. They were all perfect in their own way.

Dani smiled and laughed throughout her entire first morning, time flying so fast she couldn’t believe it was already lunch time for the kids when the bell went. She shuffled them off to their table in the dining hall, just as she had been instructed to do by Mrs Grose and gave the duty teacher a small smile and wave on her way out.

When she entered the kitchen, where the staff were having their own lunch, excited faces turned toward her. She smiled back at them, the usual enthusiasm the newbie commanded made her a small bit uncomfortable.

“Well, well, well, here she is, our new _flower_ ,” Owen chirped happily, setting a plate in front of her, where she had just taken position beside the headmistress.

She crinkled her brow and chuckled lightly at him, confused.

“Dear,” Mrs Grose looked at her pointedly.

“Uhh, yeah?” Dani asked, flushing, and picking up her fork. _What is going on here?_ It seemed a bit more than just excitement at the new staff.

Mrs Grose raised her eyebrows at her. “They’re for you,” she nodded her head to the large bouquet of long-stemmed red roses resting on the counter.

Dani’s eyes widened. “What!”

Hannah chucked. “Appeared about an hour ago, dear.”

“Oh!” Dani flushed, bashfully meeting the gazes of her colleagues around the table. She felt the blush all the way down to her chest. “Excuse me,” she stammered, rising from the table and picked up the heavy vase. “I’m just going to- um- I’ll be back in a moment,” she flailed over her words and quickly exited the kitchen the back way.

She could not believe this, fury coursing through her veins as she checked the card. A pit formed in her stomach, and from it flowed a steady stream of anger and resentment and embarrassment.

She paced with the vase in her hands for a few minutes before awkwardly flipping the dumpster lid open and flinging the flowers, vase and all, into its depths. She smashed the lid back down, only barely holding onto the wail of rage trying to force its way from her chest. She rested her hands on the edge of the bin, attempting to calm herself, but she can feel the tears squeeze out before she can stop them.

“Blimey!”

She whirled around, coming face to face with the gardener she had met the other day and her breath hitched, heart seized. “Uhh-” she stammered.

“Two dozen long-stemmed red roses,” she stated dryly, punctuating each word perfectly in her English drawl. She was leaning against the wall opposite the dumpster, one leg propped up behind her and a cigarette held in place between fingers. “In September.”

Dani wiped the tears from her eyes quickly, “uh, yeah.” Technically, it’s the last day of August. She doesn’t say this.

“Pretty hard to grow that big in September,” Jamie asserted, gesturing with her cigarette to the dumpster.

“Are they?” Dani looked over at her, meeting the woman’s big brown eyes.

She cocked an eyebrow, “indeed they are.”

Dani leaned back against the dumpster in defeat. The ignominy of being caught forcing another blush to her cheeks and more guilt to her chest. She cursed Edmund in her head, this was not what she needed on her first day.

“What’d he do?” Jamie asked, taking a drag.

“Who?” Dani averted her gaze, diverted her mind from the subject of conversation.

“The one who gave you the roses, love,” she blew out a thin line of smoke, not breaking her gaze away from her.

Dani felt stupid, so stupid. Of all the people in the entire world to catch her throwing an expensive bouquet of flowers away, it would be the _fucking gardener._

“My husband,” she hurls the word from her, its structure feeling foreign to her. Like it doesn’t belong inside of her mouth, doesn’t really belong to their relationship at all. “They’re congratulatory flowers." She shrugged. "The new job, y’know?” she finished softer, aware of how ridiculous she must sound, and look. And feeling altogether like she would rather be anywhere else.

“Bastard.”

Dani’s eyes widen in surprise at the brunette. An unexpected giggle escapes her, quickly followed by a peal of laughter, and Jamie is smiling. There is something like understanding in her eyes. 

“There we go,” she spoke gently, kindly, and looked at her with compassion, sharing a secret moment between them.

A weight lifted from Dani’s chest and she wiped the tears of sadness, and of laughter from her face. She has the urge to continue, to explain to this stranger in detail why she can’t accept the roses. Where the compulsion is coming from, she doesn’t know, but she wants to tell her: _he just can’t let me have anything. He has to be involved somehow. Even when he doesn’t want to be._

Instead she says, “thanks,” as Jamie stubs her cigarette with the toe of her boot. And Dani can’t help but admire the way she swaggers forward a step, dips her head to catch her gaze more fully, and smirks like for all the world Dani is the only person who’s ever received it. She sucks in a breath, tries to think of anything to say that will not end their brief encounter, but her tongue is stuck to the roof of her mouth and her brain is pure static energy.

“Chin up, Poppins, the wee gremlins will eat you alive if they see weakness on the first day,” she winks, turning to walk away and Dani can breathe again. “Oh!” she looks back, a simper plastered over her face and Dani can feel her returning the smile automatically. “No more murdering flowers, or things will have to get serious around here.”

Dani bites her lip against the swell forming in her chest.

The rest of the day passed in much the same pleasant manner as the morning with her students. A colleague had asked her about the flowers but did not press the matter further at her blush and _“oh I put them in the car!”._ She would have died if she’d actually asked to see them.

And when she got home that evening and met Eddie having just arrived at the house, she gave him the opposite answer, “I left them in my classroom,” though with decidedly more of a clipped tone that the one bestowed upon Miss Jessel.

“Did you like them?” he asked, hopeful.

She sighed, and looked him in the eye, and asked, “why did you do that? On my first day. My _first day_. The first day of the job you don’t even want me to have.”

He looked taken aback at that, “what?” he asked simply.

She shook her head, back in her cage. “They were lovely,” she said simply.

“They were an apology, Danielle.” His tone hardened.

“That apology could have been given in person with an actual explanation. Not a token gift in the hopes that I would forget about it all, _Edmund_.”

He shook his head at her, “what’s gotten into you. I’m your _husband_ , why are you arguing with me at every turn?”

She sighed, again being defined by their relationship and nothing more. She swallowed the guilt she felt at starting this one, or was it that she wasn’t letting the last one end? Why did he have to look at her like she kicked his puppy? Was she really angry with him at all, or just with herself for marrying him? She shook her head and sighed again, no peace to be had from her own mind in this house. “Thank you for the flowers,” she turned and kissed his cheek, “I’m going to go take a shower.”

She left him staring after her.

The first week in the new school passed without further incident, and Dani was happier than she had been in so long. Her class were all still wonderful, each of her kids already presenting their own little personalities. She was delighted to get to know all of them.

True to her plan, she had begun to stick their artwork up around the room, declining any help from the children at all. She had purposefully left it until after they had left for their dinner and the duty teachers took over to begin sticking their newest paintings up around the windows.

And as she was doing so, she was sure to get a good look at the vegetable patch just outside of the second greenhouse, the one she had seen Jamie preparing earlier in the day.

She lingered around the window longer than she needed to, making slow work of sticking the pictures up, letting her eyes linger on the lythe form stretching over the little mounds of dirt she had built to accept the seeds she scattered into them.

She rubbed a hand across her forehead to centre her thoughts, really this would not do. This attraction she was feeling, the shock of electricity right to the pit of her stomach every time she came across the gardener’s path, the way her own throat disobeyed her giving away laughter freely whenever she was the least bit witty. It was embarrassing, like a teenager with their first crush. And it certainly wasn’t her first crush, she was used to pushing those feelings down, why was she unable to do so now?

A few times though, she had caught the gardener staring back at her, and the realisation that maybe Jamie returned a portion of her feelings set a fire in her that had long just been a whisper of smoke.

They’d had tea exactly three times. “ _A quick cuppa”_ that Jamie would pass to her while the children were outside for their morning break. Jamie would have her laughing in minutes, a snickering giggle stuck on her own lips when (all three times) Flora would come streaking into the room shouting “first!” in the face of the next child.

The last time she had walked Jamie to the door and clasped her hand before she could bolt too fast, a sincere thank you on her lips for the tea, but in truth thanking her for the attention, the friendship, the feeling that maybe she was tethered to something in this world other than Edmund. A coy smile had lit up her face and she swaggered down the hall, still sipping from her cup.

She wished she could say the weekend had passed with similar ease, but upon arriving home on Friday she was greeted not just by her husband but her mother in law.

“Judy!” she exclaimed as she was pulled into a hug, honestly not as happy as she thought she would have been to see the woman. “What are you doing here?” Quickly her eyes took in the packed baggage at the foot of the stairs, and the sheepish expression on Edmund’s face, standing beside his mother.

“Well! Edmund has told me all about your new job and oh my God I couldn’t leave my Eddie all alone all week!” She looked pointedly at Dani. “I’m staying for a few nights.”

Dani smiled back at her, ignoring the familiar irritation she felt upon walking into her home. “Well isn’t that nice, Eddie!”

He blushed at her stare.

“I’ll start dinner!” Judy bustled past Eddie into the kitchen.

Dani followed her, “that’s really not nec-”

“Oh pish posh Danielle, you’ve been working _so hard_ all day!”

_Was that another jab?_

Dani turned back to Eddie, “you knew she was coming?”

He shrugged, “yeah I did. I would have told you, but I didn’t want to call your work… y’know after the flowers.”

 _Was_ **_that_ **_a jab?_

Dani sighed, “I’m gonna take a shower, let you catch up with your mom.” _Not that she’s ever been out of your ear._

Dinner was a terse affair, to say the least. Judy, in perfect unison with Eddie, fired passive aggressive shots throughout.

“Now!” she had exclaimed, twisting spaghetti around her fork, “let’s get down to business!” she smiled brilliantly at Dani, who promptly swallowed her wine too fast and began to cough as soon as the word _grandkids_ left Judy’s mouth.

“We’re trying, Mom,” Eddie replied, leaning over to grab Dani’s hand. He seared her where he touched, with ice and expectation.

Her stomach twisted uncomfortably, the food she had managed to eat threatening a reappearance. She pulled her hand from his grasp to grab her water.

“And dear,” she narrowed her gaze on Dani, “what will you do about this job then?” she asked.

Dani furrowed her brow, “what do you mean Mrs O’Mara?”

“Well,” she smiled at her as if willing the sentence to finish itself in Dani’s brain. She does not tell her to call her Judy.

Dani steeled her heart against the face that had once protected her from her own mother, but now would watch her thrown to the lions. “Yes?” she asked simply.

“Well, when you get pregnant dear,” she chucked, as if it were the most obvious thing under the sun.

Her fingers twitched to grab hold of her bag and pop every single pill into her mouth right in front of them. That would absolutely not be happening on her watch. “People work while being pregnant all the time,” she stated simply.

Judy laughed, “and how do you expect to work with a baby dear!”

 _I don’t_ , she answered in her head. “Mothers have careers all the time Judy.”

Her face fell.

“Dani-” Edmund started.

“Y’know, I’m not actually feeling all that great, I might just head to bed.” She stood from the table and walked away from her full plate without another word.

“Maybe she’s upset that it hasn’t happened yet, dear?” She heard Judy whisper to him, and she rolled her eyes so hard she saw her frontal lobe. 

_No wonder he’s so delusional._

The weekend dragged along with Judy inserting advice where it wasn’t wanted, judging decisions she didn’t understand and cooing over her baby boy. It made Dani sick.

She was exhausted before her week even begun.

“Dear,” Judy caught her hands as she tried to leave on Monday morning. She was so excited to get away her bag had been packed and in the car since the previous night. “Are you _sure_ they need you to stay for the full week?”

“I’m sure Judy,” she replied dryly, extracting her hands. She turned her head when Edmund tried to plant a kiss on her lips, and looked bashfully at Judy, who waved her hand at Dani and murmured something about newlyweds.

Really Dani’s stomach just couldn’t stand it. To bring his mother here to ambush her after fighting with her for doing something _finally_ for herself?

 _No_. Perhaps if she said it in her head enough, she would be able to say it to him.

She had felt immediate relief upon leaving, strong enough that tears began to roll down her face as soon as the tyres exited the driveway. Such a horrible weekend to have right before a full week of work. Was it right to feel like _work_ was your escape?

She arrived at work, as planned, an hour earlier than she was due in. The kids would still be sleeping. She wanted to get her stuff upstairs and unpacked before she had to start the day, not to mention it meant getting away before Judy had a chance to cook her breakfast and roast her over the coals any more.

She was greeted, with a huge release of tension from her chest, by a, “morning Poppins, bit early for you, is it not?”

And she giggled. Because that’s just what her brain seemed to do around Jamie. “Just a bit.”

“Not yet seven,” the gardener commented, strolling easily over to her in her boots and overalls. Dani traced the outline of her body under the baggy clothes, as well as she was able, and berated herself internally.

“Just wanted to get a head start,” she replied gently, rounding the car to retrieve her bag from the trunk.

“Ah, first week of duty,” she responded in an understanding tone. “I’ll pray for you.”

Dani laughed, “I’ve actually been looking forward to it.”

Jamie grabbed her arm, stopping her abruptly. “Dani, have you been crying?” Her voice turned suddenly serious.

“Oh,” Dani wiped her cheeks quickly. “No, I- uhh-” _was so relieved to work for a full week and not have to go home that I sobbed in joy on my way here._ “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” she smiled brightly at her, as if this would be proof.

Jamie frowned, but removed her hands, and Dani missed them immediately. Thought of how her touch this morning was far more preferable than Edmund’s.

“Give that here then,” she shot in front of Dani and plucked her bag from the car. “I’ll show you to your room.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Dani called, quickly locking the car and taking off across the slippery stones to catch Jamie.

“Just want to show you a direct route I’ve mapped out without any innocent plants in your way to snuff out,” she flashed her a toothy grin.

Dani ignored the butterflies and followed her as she loped up the stairs with ease. She led her down the hallway of the west wing and stood outside of the room Hannah had shown her weeks before. “This is you,” she nodded to the door. A brass plaque now hung; Dani traced her name indented into it.

_Danielle O’Mara_

She raised an eyebrow at it.

“I wonder,” she said absentmindedly running her fingers over the indents. “Did you make this?” She turned and caught Jamie’s lingering glance at her fingers. Excitement bubbled in her at the way she was looking at her.

Jamie met her eyes, so quickly did her gaze flicker down to Dani’s lips she was sure she had imagined it. It made her knees weak. Jamie nodded. “I did.”

“Could you make one that says Clayton?” she asked.

“Clayton?” Jamie’s eyebrow rose as her attention piqued. “Now why would I call you Clayton?”

“ _Dani Clayton,”_ she clarified.

Jamie said nothing, just nodded. And walked across the hallway, turning quickly to confirm, “tea at ten?” and disappeared behind the door marked _Jamie Taylor._

Dani bit her lip and pushed her door open to prepare for the day.

The structure of her day was similar enough to last week, though instead of taking her break and lunch with the rest of the faculty she now had a designated seat in the dinner hall, opposite the other teacher required for duty, to keep an eye on the kids. She felt lucky enough that her scheduled duty weeks were shared with Hannah, who had made it clear that she was to call her _Hannah_ the previous week. Definitely the best-case scenario in Dani’s opinion.

She quite liked the woman, admired her greatly. She had such poise and presence. The children were not afraid of her, but quite honestly, she couldn’t picture a single one putting a foot out of line in her company. It was the kind of respect years of teaching afforded you. When a look is worth more than any amount of words.

This is where Dani sits, fielding questions from a group of young girls determined to weasel some gossip about the new teacher from her, when Jamie places a mug down on the small side table beside her.

“Jamie!” Flora greets.

“Well hello Ms Flora,” Jamie answers back, “how are you today?”

Jamie meets Dani’s gaze and mouths the words as they leave Flora’s.

Dani laughs.

“And how are you Jamie?” Flora asks politely.

“I’m doing just fine Flora thank you, do you mind if I borrow your teacher for just a second?”

Flora nods and heads off with her friends.

“Interrogating you, are they?” She asks, sipping on her own tea.

Dani shakes her head, “you know how girls are.”

Jamie smiles and raises her brows to herself.

“Thank you for the tea,” Dani murmurs, quickly taking a sip, and scalding her mouth slightly.

_Absolutely worth it._

“No problem, Poppins,” her smile lit up Dani’s heart. “Just wanted to make sure your first day watching these little runts wasn’t too terrible.”

Dani laughed behind her hand, resisting the urge to playfully hit her shoulder. “They’re not that bad.”

Jamie smirked, “that one isn’t.” Her head nodded in Flora’s direction.

“She’s something special, isn’t she?” Dani looked at her fondly.

“Mmm, been through a fair bit that one has, and the brother. Still always smiling.” She shook her head at the girl’s direction.

“Yeah,” Dani leaned forward, “Hannah told me about that.”

“Good kid,” she took another sip of tea. “Anyway, best get back to it. Just making sure to keep you in the caffeine on your first overnight.”

“Thanks,” Dani laughed, “I must return the favour sometime!”

Jamie cocked her head to the side, “that would be very much appreciated.”

“Maybe after dinner, when I get these off to bed?”

Jamie smiled, bit her lip and nodded, making her exit.

It was not very much appreciated at all.

“Brew-tal.”

“Blimey.”

“Christ.”

“You guys!” Dani protested. “It’s not that bad!”

“When you said you would return the favour today, I thought you meant reciprocation, not revenge.”

Dani blushed, and reached for the tea pot. “I’ll just go remake this.”

Owen made it to the tea pot before her, whipping it from the table and hurrying away with an easy, “I’ve got it, I’ve got it.”

Hannah chuckled at the display, mumbling something about _Americans_.

“So how was your first day of duty?” Jamie asked.

Dani smiled, “it was fine. Not bad at all actually.”

“Yes, they’re not too bad. Usually the worst part for the teachers is being away from home,” Hannah offered.

Dani’s mouth went dry. “Is that the worst part for you?”

“Goodness no,” Hannah chuckled.

“Hannah stays permanently,” Jamie offered, eyeing her closely.

“Oh,” Dani’s brow wrinkled. “Why’s that?”

“Comes with the job,” she rolled her eyes theatrically. “And it suits rather well, to live here.”

Dani tilted her head at her and nodded sagely. She could see that. 

“I think… Did we not go over this on your induction? All the teachers are freely allowed to live here as they choose, just as with Jamie and Owen. It’s so far from town, sometimes it’s not worth the trip there and back again. A few stay on throughout the week if they’re working late with the extra-curricular activities.”

“Oh!” she exclaimed. How had she missed that? She was sure that would have been well received.

A fresh cup landed before Dani with a, “here we are.”

“Thank you,” she responded, waiting for the cup to cool down.

Hannah and Jamie took a sip immediately, and Dani pursed her lips. _English_ , she thought with a shake of her head, _immune to the heat so long as its source is tea_.

“Cracking!”

“Delightful!”

Dani sipped her own, cautiously, altogether too hot for her but embarrassed not to try with everyone’s eyes on her. “Please teach me,” she lamented at Owen to a chorus of laughter.

Dinner and tea were a refreshing taste of adult conversation for Dani, the first meal she’d had in days without passive aggression or lingering resentment. And she was shocked to find that in the reflection of that was the first time she had thought of Edmund since class had started this morning.

It felt good.

“Uhh,” Jamie moaned stretching her hands over her head.

Dani crossed her legs as the sound rattled through her, and she took in the tightening of Jamie’s t-shirt around her.

“Suppose I should go lock the gates,” she sighed. “Thanks for the brew Owen, fantastic as always,” she winked at Dani over his head.

Dani flushed.

“Oh,” Hannah called to her, “take Dani with you, would you?.”

Jamie gave a pointed stare to the headmistress, who just sipped her tea and averted her gaze to the cook.

“Is it not your turn to help with the gates?” she asked.

Hannah smiled sweetly, “perks of being headmistress, you see. Dani, do you mind? Back isn’t what it used to be.”

“Oh,” Dani bounced up in surprise from her seat. “Yeah, of course.”

“You can leave that there, dear, we’ll tidy up.”

“You sure?”

“Absolutely, you go help Jamie and I’ll check on the children and then off to bed with the lot of us I think,” she made a show of checking her watch.

Dani checked her own watch following Jamie out of the kitchen.

_20:58_

Nine had come fast enough, though for the life of her she had no clue how she could possibly sleep with the excitement of her first night away from home ever.

Jamie sauntered ahead of her, and she ran a little to catch up.

“So, this is a two-person job is it,” she asked, coy.

Jamie snickered, “can’t say I mind the company.”

And Dani’s heart swelled.

Jamie led them to the “experimental” greenhouse and moved to the back of the huge structure to retrieve the keys. The walls were opaque with condensation.

A bubble of excitement formed in the pit of Dani’s stomach. Excitement and anticipation and nervous energy fighting their way through her limbs. She had been alone with Jamie before, plenty of times. But something about being alone with her, in a shielded greenhouse, in the dark, away from the possibility of anyone else being around, felt different. And she suddenly couldn’t swallow.

She walked around the room instead, fingering the colourful petals taking refuge from the night’s chill inside this greenhouse.

Jamie watched her carefully, she could see from the corner of her eye, and came up beside her slowly.

“Orchids,” she stated simply, and Dani met her gaze. She nodded down to the flower Dani was holding. “Everyone wants one.”

“They’re beautiful,” Dani whispered to her, and the humidity in the room was seeping into her skin. She was hot and she could feel sweat beading on her neck. It was begging to be touched. Her eyes darted to Jamie’s lips as she began to speak again. Failing to not imagine Jamie’s lips trailing down her neck.

“Yes, very beautiful,” she spoke softly, pointedly at Dani. “And very, very particular. Without the perfect environment they will wilt and die very, very fast.” She paused and drew her finger over the same petal Dani was holding. Dani’s hand tingled lightly at the touch. “They need what they need, and they won’t accept otherwise. When they don’t get it and they wither,” she whispered, her voice growing lower as if the delicious tension would break with more than a whisper, “well is that the orchid’s fault or the gardener?”

The air around them had turned thin, and Dani’s heart thudded in her chest. For another brief moment, much like the morning, Dani thought she saw Jamie’s eyes flicker to her lips. But then she was moving away, and the moment was over.

Dani followed her down to the gates and helped her heave them into position and lock up with the heavy chain, lost in a cloud of thought. Jamie said no more to her for the walk back up to the academy, up the stairs to their rooms. Just a simple “goodnight,” and she was gone, vanished behind _Jamie Taylor’s_ door.

Dani turned from her and disappeared herself behind one that read, to her immense pleasure, _Dani Clayton._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading guys! This chapter was mainly focused on Dani's relationship with herself, and Edmund, but fear not there's plenty of Jamie coming (y'all sluts) ;) 
> 
> I know it's very unlike me to not lead with the smut, but I'm trying something new. I think it's called growth.
> 
> I fancy her too though, so I'll hardly deny myself forever.
> 
> Any feedback would be most welcome. If you came here just for sex please accept my humble apologies and hang in there for the ride.


	2. 2

Her first night behind the walls of St Charlotte’s Academy was simultaneously the least eventful and most eventful night she had experienced in her lifetime. No bells rang, wired to the children’s rooms, for assistance. No nightwalkers stole her attention. Not a peep outside of the walls of her room, not a single tap at the door, no matter how much she longed for one.

 _This is crazy, you don’t even know her._

She berated herself as she tossed and turned, and tossed and turned again. Over and over she pummeled it into her brain in the hopes that she would eventually start to form some common sense around the idea.

It had never worked for her before, repetitious thoughts do not an action make, and her body was not in the business of obeying her brain. It was as obvious as the low throbbing she felt even now, hours later, entirely more foreign a feeling than she would like, that this would be one of those times.

She felt more for Jamie than she ever had for her own husband. Felt more in the imagining of Jamie’s small, nimble fingers trailing a path of fire everywhere they touched, and when sleep finally came, she dreamed of her. Dreamed of her hands, soil laden and sure, marring her wanting flesh. Streaks on her thighs where Jamie had parted her legs.

And it was wrong, it was so wrong, to have feelings like this for someone that wasn’t Eddie, but, in truth, she hadn’t known when she agreed to be with him that this was really at all possible.

Women had always been attractive to her, always. But she had never actually acted on it, convinced herself that her passing crushes were normal. Even convinced herself that she was broken, just one of those people who didn’t enjoy sex. She had friends when she was younger, girls, who were dying to be touched like this or like that, and when it finally happened for them, they would report back that it was _magical, oh my God!_

But she had also known plenty of women throughout the years who didn’t enjoy it at all, had read in magazines that it was completely normal to not enjoy sex that much.

_‘Relax and try NOT to focus on your climax so much and it will happen! Relaxation is key!’_

Dani scoffed, thinking back on the article. She had stopped trying fucking years ago and nothing had ever happened beyond irritation and chaffing.

But she accepted this as just who she was and her broken pieces didn’t need any help to be put back together, she was better off on her own anyway. It had taken her a couple of years to fully understand it, that her damage was not born of a lack of desire, just a lack of desire for men, for _him._

A particularly edgy movie theatre showing a foreign film deserved a thank you for that nugget of insight. The ticket desk attendant had checked her ID before letting her in, with a raised eyebrow and an “art student?” on his lips. She had smiled shyly in response, not daring to tell him _no actually I’m just fucking interested, okay?_

She had hung on every word of the sapphic love story, up until they had no longer needed words and Dani finally understood _magical, oh my God!_

Regardless, it was not something she could actually have. She was already seeing Eddie by the time she figured it out. Her mother, and his, had already been steamrolling her toward the perfect future _– find a good man, a financially stable man, a man who can take care of you, marry him, start a family, live happily ever after._

She had allowed this, been pinned under the weight of her own previous acquiesces. The next step never a giant leap but just a small inching up a mountain. She had been at the top of Everest before she knew what happened.

But Jamie’s lips were Base Camp, and in her dream, she had descended to them wildly. She almost felt embarrassed at how easily she had slid Jamie into her imaginings. Almost felt guilty about the hungry way she had been devouring her every movement, committing it to memory, willing her mind to take all the information she could gather and use it in the night so she could finally _feel something._

A soft knock on the door pulled her from her musings.

She slipped her shoes on for the day and checked her face and hair in the mirror. The bags under her were still present, but her skin glowed just a little bit more, and she put it down to the immense enjoyment of her sleep.

With a sly grin to herself she opened the door and Jamie’s smirk greeted her, along with a thousand frantic butterflies trying to pull her stomach out of her body.

“G’morning,” she greeted, holding out a steaming mug of tea. “Hope the ghosties didn’t keep you up all night.”

 _“_ Hmm,” Dani mused, trying a smirk on, “not the ghosties,” and accepted the cup. She raised it to her mouth immediately to give her something to do other than giggle at the simper pasted over Jamie’s face.

Her soul was on simmering for this woman.

“Oh my, Poppins,” she parried, feigning concern, her eyes glittering, “whatever kept you from sleep then?”

_Knowing you were only five feet away._

She bit her lip, pretending to ponder over the question. “Might have been the dreams,” she murmured. She took another sip and made her way down the hall to wake the children. “Thank you for the tea,” she called over her shoulder, turning back to catch Jamie’s eyes trailing lower and lower and a fire lit low in her belly.

She could look all she liked.

* * *

Flora Wingrave was easily the brightest child in her class, and the most enthusiastic, but by God she could not keep quiet to save her life.

Three times Dani had to walk over to her and Maisie Marshall and inform them, individually, that they were having reading hour and would have to be separated if they did not give their full attention to the book.

Poor Maisie was being dragged back into chatter again and again by Flora, the true ringleader.

Flora had looked stricken at this, and it had pulled on Dani’s heartstrings… the first time. She admired the girl’s gall secretly, already at eight better at doing whatever the fuck she wanted than Dani had ever been.

She watched as the small girl attempted to hide behind her book as she continued to chat, unaware in her child’s egotism that the rest of the class could easily hear her whispers.

A few of the other kids had noticed that she was being watched, and were waiting for a situation to kick-off. And now it was something more than just disciplining Flora, because a precedent had to be set lest she allow all the children to ignore the work before them for the rest of the term.

And she would not be caught at parent teacher night next week coming up short for any of these children. Their parents could probably afford to have her killed. Or fired. She was not entirely sure which was more preferable.

A hushed whisper of, _“Flora!”_ from the child to her left and Flora’s eyes popped up over the top of her book to meet Dani’s smiling face.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, sinking down into her chair.

“Back to your reading, children!” she addressed the class. “Flora, I’ll have a word at ten while the rest of the class enjoy their fresh air.” She gave her a pointed look.

Flora nodded miserably and went back to her book.

When the bell rang, Dani noted, the kids were much more muted in evacuating the classroom. Flora rose from her desk and walked tentatively toward Dani. She came around to the front of the desk and knelt down to the small girl’s level.

“I’m sorry!” Flora began, and she could see the tears begin to well in her eyes.

“Flora,” Dani sighed. She didn’t want to upset the girl, but she couldn’t lose ground here either.

Her chest rose and fell rapidly, afraid to get into trouble. “I shouldn’t have!”

“Well, no, you shouldn’t have,” Dani smiled at her, trying to alleviate her stress. “We won’t be doing that again, will we?”

She shook her head rapidly, “no, I promise!”

“Good,” Dani nodded. “I asked you three times to stop.”

Flora nodded, “I know, I’m sorry.”

“I accept your apology Flora, but I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to be smart,” she told her softly.

Flora’s forehead crinkled in confusion.

“Do you think, if I’ve asked you to do something, I wouldn’t be checking to see if you’ve done it?” she asked, not unkindly.

Flora nodded.

“Alright then, go play with your friends. Wouldn’t want anyone beating you back to class.” Dani rose and Flora took off at a run after the rest of the class.

Dani shook her head at the girl, making her way back behind her desk.

“Laying down the law I see,” came a drawl that stirred deep in Dani’s chest. She looked up to see her favourite gardener round the door of her classroom and plant herself on the door frame, arms folded and a devious smirk on her lips. “I was just out, checking on my tulips in the courtyard, when I heard a rumour.”

Dani felt a smile wrest control from her, just as it did whenever Jamie was around. “Oh,” she asked, fiddling with a red correction pen in her right hand. “Do tell.”

Jamie eyed her pen, and spoke low, “word on the street is there was trouble afoot.”

“Gosh, trouble?” Dani countered, gasping, “wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?” She enjoyed watching Jamie’s attention on her fingers.

Jamie snickered, and licked her lips, “well now, isn’t that a story for a different day.”

“So, you came to save the day, did you?” Dani leaned back in her chair, and placed the red pen firmly between her lips, drawing Jamie’s gaze to her face.

The look she gave her had Dani feeling rather flushed. “Just came to see what kind of authority the wee ones are up against these days.” She took a slow step forward, a tiger looking for an escape from her cage.

Dani smiled slyly around the pen, “strictly reconnaissance for the kids.” Even as she said the words, she hoped they weren’t true.

Jamie’s eyes roamed from the pen boldly down the line of her neck and blouse and back up again, and Dani near felt her gaze scorch the path into her skin. “I’m sure the knowledge could be applicable to other areas of interest.”

Dani swallowed hard, she was sure Jamie could hear her heart beating, she had not felt it so hard and fast in a long time. The fire that had ignited in her chest was surely plain to see on her face, flushed, she could feel, in stark contrast with the cool air in the room.

She was wading into waters so far out of her depth, getting herself into trouble she knew not how to get out of, but _fuck_ she would rather try and drown failing if it would relieve the ache between her legs. Jamie, the tigress, waited in the waters for her, clearly adept at hunting her prey.

A knock on the open door broke Dani from her day dreams, “Dani dear- oh, hello Jamie!” Hannah walked into the room, eyeing Jamie curiously, a piece of paper clutched in her hand. “Fax for you.” She handed it over to Dani.

“Thank you,” Dani accepted the fax, flushed.

The side of Jamie’s smile turned up at her and she pushed herself from Dani’s desk to accompany Hannah out of the room for some tea.

Dani looked at the fax in her hand, tax forms to be completed and returned at her earliest convenience. _Fucking hell,_ she thought, _not even The Man could let her enjoy herself._

* * *

No further disciplinary issues arose during the afternoon session of class, to Dani’s great relief. It was not her favourite part of the job, _laying down the law._ But certainly, today it was something that she would be unable to accomplish without visions of the way Jamie had been looking at her, so openly suggestive, flitting through her mind.

Flora, it seemed, had informed the kids on the playground how completely horrid it had been to disappoint Dani. And maybe it was because these were boarding school kids rather than day school, but it seemed they really did not want to disappoint her.

This, she thinks, prevented any of them from trying to wheedle gossip from her at dinner like they had the day before. It allowed ample time for Dani to reflect on the way her mind seemed to be unable to break from the thought of Jamie’s lips, the way she felt her body vibrate in anticipation of even just the _thoughts_ the woman inspired _._

She didn’t see her again until dinner that night, and arousal she had been battling all day, which had yet to alleviate, only intensified as she joined her, Hannah and Owen at the dinner table.

She had come rushing in a few minutes after they had already been served, quieting Dani’s panic over whether she would be dining with them at all.

“Sorry I’m late,” she apologised, shaking her wet hands dry as Owen prepared her a plate of beef stew from the large bowl in the middle of the table. “Bulb emergency,” she offered.

Hannah held up a hand and shook her head, “no apology necessary, dear.”

“Absolutely not,” Owen agreed, “your flower must come before mine.”

“What?” Jamie frowned, accepting her plate and tucking in straight away. She rolled her eyes a second later and spoke as soon as she had swallowed. “That was weak Owen, not that kind of bulb anyway. The greenhouse’s light bulb. Had to replace it again.”

“Oh again?” Hannah asked. “Must be something wrong with the circuitry.”

Jamie shrugged. “Working again now, but yeah it’s been happening quite a bit.”

“Keep an eye on it,” she nodded at Jamie. “Let me know if it happens again. I’ll look at getting someone out to see it.”

Jamie nodded. “How was everyone else’s day going?” she asked the table, but her eyes lingered on Dani.

“Just fine, dear,” Hannah supplied with a smile.

Own nodded in agreement, “tip top!”

And Dani just stared, lost in thought, at just how cute the gardener looked frazzled at time having gotten away from her. The chill from the night had turned her nose a light shade of pink, matching the curve of her cheekbones, and the tips of her ears. Dani imagined how it would feel to have those same cheeks chilling her own, and for a fleeting second before she caught everyone staring at her, she imagined what it would feel like to have them chilling her thighs.

“Sorry,” she shook her head, banishing the thoughts, “sorry, got lost there. What were we talking about?”

“That’s alright dear, where did you go?” Hannah smiled warmly at her.

Dani shook her head, and fought the blush creeping up her chest. She prayed it came across as embarrassment for dropping the ball, rather than a reflection of her thoughts. She saw Jamie smirk from the corner of her eye and turned so that she was no longer at all in her vision. “Just a long day,” she breathed lightly, “sticky thoughts, you know?”

Jamie coughed, choking on her gravy, and caught her attention as she quirked an eyebrow at her.

She shook her head at the woman. “I meant when a thought gets stuck in your head,” she explained.

Jamie coughed all the harder, and Owen, fighting his own smile, leaned over to pat her back.

Dani looked to Hannah, gauging her reaction, but she just rolled her eyes at Jamie and smiled sweetly at Dani. “She’s rather like this. Constantly caught in the gutter,” she tutted.

“Sorry,” Jamie rasped, “Sorry. What was your _sticky_ thought?” she asked, feigning genuine interest and a wicked glint in her eye.

Dani blushed.

And may the devil himself take her soul, she would tell this woman whatever the fuck she wanted to know if that glint could be thrown her way each and every single day for the rest of her damned life.

“Leave her alone, Jamie,” Hannah admonished, and Jamie smiled slyly nodding and dipping her gaze to her plate.

Dani sighed in relief as everyone’s attention turned back to the normal flow of dinner conversation. She purposefully kept her eyes averted from Jamie for the rest of the meal, only allowing herself to take the woman in when tea had been served.

It really would not do to be caught fantasising about a colleague on her second week of the job, especially with her wedding ring on display for the whole world to see.

Playful banter, that’s all it was.

That being said, she couldn’t stop her heart from speeding up or the skin on the back of her neck prickling when Jamie spoke.

“Ready Poppins?”

Dani nodded, and rose, and fought to think with only her head at the easy way Jamie wrapped her mouth around her new nick name.

“Actually,” Hannah interrupted. “I’ll help you tonight, Jamie. I was rather hoping we could swing by the West lawn and have a quick chat about the rose garden.”

Jamie smiled smoothly, though her eyes lingered just a touch longer than they should have on Dani. “Sure,” she said, and made her way over to put her jacket on.

“Dani-”

“I’ll check in on the kids before turning in, don’t worry,” she smiled easily, happy to have something to do with herself to fill the gnawing disappointment as her favourite task slipped from between her fingers.

Hannah nodded and followed Jamie out of the kitchen.

Dani sipped her tea, and Owen watched, horrified.

“What?” Dani asked, embarrassed, sure her racing mind had etched an elaborate scene of desire on her face.

But all he said was, “it’s _cold_!”

“Oh,” Dani giggled, “I don’t mind.”

If possible, he looked even more horrified. “Dani,” he asked slowly, “are you alright?”

She laughed. _Not even a little bit._

“Blink twice if you need help,” he delivered, his face completely serious.

“I do, actually.” _More than you know._

He rose from the table and gathered the mugs. “Come on then.” Dani followed him to the counter, where he set the kettle back on the stove top to boil. “The trick is,” he told her as he emptied the teapot remnants down the drain and dumped the tea bags. “To let the tea make itself.”

Dani frowned.

“Now, I know,” he held a hand up defensively, “that you Americans like things done quick and dirty, but that just isn’t tea.”

“Oh?” she laughed, “do we now?”

“You do,” he defended, “time is money here in the free states.”

Dani couldn’t argue with that. “Right, and _that’s just not tea.”_

“Certainly not! You cannot rush perfection,” he winked good-naturedly at her. “I believe that’s where you’re going wrong.” He pulled the wailing kettle from the stove and poured some water into the tea pot, swirling it around to heat the interior up before throwing it out.

Dani crinkled her brow, about to ask why, but he held up a finger and she bit back her curiosity.

“We heat the pot before we do anything else,” he told her, pouring more water into the teapot.

Why you couldn’t use the same water to heat the pot as brew the tea Dani couldn’t comprehend, but she bit her tongue.

“Now, this is advanced tea-making, but I feel you’re up to it,” he noted. He added fresh water to the teapot before adding in the teabags, “one for each person.”

Dani hung on his every word.

“Naturally, we would prefer loose leaf, but I can never seem to find it in town,” he shook his head in disappointment, “shame.”

Dani snickered, and he turned to flash her a smile.

“And this is the step where you go wrong!” he accused.

She waited a beat. “What do you mean?” She frowned, not admitting to also skipping warming the tea pot. “You’re not doing anything!”

“Exactly,” he told her sagely. “The tea is brewing.”

Dani laughed, a big “oh,” on her lips.

“Quick and dirty,” he told her, shaking his head in amusement at her. “If it’s fast and easy your people will take it, even if waiting for a better way is a much more fulfilling experience in the end.”

Dani bit her lip, all hints of amusement gone as his words reverberated around her brain. She nodded and thanked him. “I’ll try again tomorrow.”

“No worries,” he told her as she left him.

She walked up the stairs, lost in thought, and checked in on the kids. All asleep, not a peep out of them. She smiled and shut each of the dormitory doors quietly, before making her way back to her own room.

Her mind was clouded, with desire, with regrets. She had failed herself. Failed her marriage. She should have waited, not allowed herself to be pressured into drinking her tea before it had been brewed.

 _You really have made a mess of things,_ she berated herself bitterly.

A constant gnawing guilt ate her up inside for Eddie, for not giving him what he needed, for not even wanting to try. And for resenting him so much, for keeping her from what really made her blood run hot, but she had said the words and committed herself to him.

And how quickly she forgot that! Forgot her promises and vows and role, it disappeared like smoke as soon as she heard Jamie’s footsteps in the hallway. And she stood, hand poised over the doorknob, ready to open it and let her in if she knocked. She longed for the knock.

Her footsteps stopped outside of the door, stopping for a moment, and another, before her own door opened and closed.

Dani sighed. What a mess she was in indeed.

* * *

Dani jumped up from the dinner table for following evening before either Jamie or Hannah could attempt to offer to make the tea, on the heels of Owen’s suggestion with an, “I’ll do it!” She saw them exchange a look behind her back, but Owen gave her a sly wink and she walked over to the teapot to prepare.

She would get it right this time.

As instructed, she filled the kettle and put it on the stove to heat. She gnawed at her lip watching it, hoped she would be able to produce something that didn’t turn her stomach (or theirs!) with her patience.

She looked worriedly back toward the table, where Jamie’s eyes lingered on her, a small encouraging smile on her lips.

She could do this.

She warmed the teapot, just as Owen had the night before, swirled the water around and let it heat up.

She dumped the water, poured in fresh water, added four teabags, and set the teapot down in front of her.

Did they do all of this every time they made tea? It had to have been at least six minutes now of just watching water do its thing. She hadn’t wanted to expose herself yesterday, but in truth her only experience of tea had been the mixable powder kind.

There was a strong chance he would have gone into heart failure had she informed him.

After what she had deemed an acceptable time, she carried the teapot over to the table, to a round of thank yous and fair plays and clapped hands being rubbed together. She hurriedly followed the teapot with mugs, milk and sugar.

Dani poured each of them a cup, and they added their own preference of additions. She took a seat and watched them, chewing her lip raw in concern, apprehension tight in her chest.

Owen went first, and her eyes snapped to him from Jamie.

“Tealicious!”

Followed quickly by, “oh, very nice!”

And, “smashing, Poppins!”

Dani allowed herself a self-satisfied smile and revelled in her victory with the group, who she was overjoyed to discover, were fast becoming her friends.

Their approval for her tea was something silly, Dani knew, in her head. But the acceptance of their _cuppas_ was connected in her brain in a vague and shadowy way, to acceptance of her.

She helped Jamie again, straight after dinner, with the heavy iron gates.

“What?” Dani asked on their way back to the greenhouse. Silence had lingered between them since they left the table, but comfortably so.

She met her eye and grinned, “what d’you mean?”

Dani raised her head to peer downward at her, “you’ve been grinning since we left dinner.”

It had kept Dani’s stomach in a constant state of squirming.

“Just thinking about Hannah and Owen,” she replied, holding the door of the greenhouse open for Dani.

“Oh?” Dani asked, intrigued. “What about them?”

“Well,” Jamie replied, slowly, setting the keys back into their box. “It just so happens that Hannah has been trying to get out of gate duty for the past couple of years,” she turned back to Dani, began walking toward her. Dani’s heart began to flutter, and she clenched her hands behind her back to keep her grounded. “And here you are,” she continued, “a young, fit, twenty-something. Ready and willing to fulfil your duties to your fullest potential. And she just decides to _help_ me with the gates?”

Dani frowned, smiling lightly, unsure where this was going. “But what about the roses?”

“Ah,” Jamie held up a finger, “thought you might mention that. Not the best season for roses is it? I think I’ve told you before.” She knew she had told her before, Dani almost groaned in embarrassment at the memory. “They’re just doing the best they can at the moment. Not the ideal time to talk to a gardener about their rose garden.”

Dani thought she saw a flash of something in Jamie’s eyes, and she shook her head. “I’m not following.” But she was enjoying the plot Jamie was laying out.

“You made a good brew there Poppins, suspiciously so after your previous example!” she concluded.

Dani threw her head back and laughed.

“You’ve been coached!” she accused.

“He showed me how,” she giggled, “but I didn’t seek out extra tutoring, I swear!”

“Giving away our national secrets,” Jamie joked, shaking her head, “I’ll have to have him killed.”

“No!” Dani protested, bumping shoulders with her as they began to walk back toward the academy. “He just wanted to help.”

“Aye, roped poor Hannah into it too, the scoundrel,” she chuckled.

Dani looked at her, tracing the pale outline of her in the darkness. “It was very kind of him.”

“He’s good people, that one,” Jamie confirmed. “Leaves no man behind.”

“Couldn’t have that,” Dani breezed in the door Jamie held open for her and began to ascend the stairs back to their rooms.

She detected a drop in Jamie’s voice as she replied, “certainly not,” and turned to find her gaze just a bit lower than expected. She turned back blushing and wanting, and heard a sharp intake of breath.

Jamie, flushed and looking a bit flustered, walked them rather quicker than she had been before back to their doors.

She bid Dani goodnight with a blatantly open look down to Dani’s lips and she wanted to scream _just do it!_ at her but really, she already knew those words would not leave her lips. When had she ever asked for anything she truly wanted?

Instead she took a deep breath, pushed her simmering arousal down, and bid Jamie goodnight back.

* * *

Her sweet torture persisted for the rest of the week, the maddening dreams of Jamie, how tantalisingly close she seemed to be all the time, the generosity of her tea addiction (which Dani had begun to reciprocate in earnest), the tension that wrapped around them so heavy and tangible it was almost like a living thing spreading its tendrils up and down her back and chest and legs each time she was alone with her.

And yet even when Jamie seemed affected by all the rest, in the times Dani could actually read the woman’s expressions and just _knew_ that she was in it to, she relaxed back into the light and flirty banter, like it was her true form and she lived there quite comfortably.

It was maddening, and exciting, and brutal. Dani was by no means used to dealing with such a confliction of emotions. She had been so overwhelmed with positivity in her dealings with Hannah and Owen, and especially Jamie. The playful match they were playing was a new wonderland to Dani. This, she supposed, was what she had really missed out on in high school. She had drunk her tea before it had finished brewing and now she had to go back to it, and drink more of it cold.

It hadn’t been just her, she didn’t think, upon reflection. She wasn’t the only one sad to say goodbye. Though Jamie had hidden it behind humour, _“leaving us to fend for ourselves with the wee ones, are you?” she had joked. “Had enough of the gremlins?”_

_Dani smiled back at her, “never.”_

It had come out a little bit sadder than she intended, and the gardener smiled sadly back at her, and wished her a safe trip.

Mercifully, the house was empty when she got home, though the state it was in left something to be desired. She shook her head in disgust at the clothes strewn about the hallway, and the dishes unwashed in the sink. The trash hadn’t been emptied and a glass had been smashed on the floor.

“You _have_ to be fucking kidding me,” she sighed to herself, throwing her hands up in defeat and taking the stairs two at a time to the bathroom upstairs. It had fared better than the kitchen. She drew herself a hot bath and wasted no time sinking low into it as soon as it had filled.

For the first time in the week she felt tears slip down her face. And it surprised her, she had almost forgotten that crying was a daily occurrence, had forgotten while she wasn’t doing it that the normal amount was not supposed to be _daily._

Her bleak future stretched out before her. Coming home from work to a dirty house, to a man whose touch repelled her, to a life she just _didn’t fit_ into. And they would lock more weight onto her, the inescapable weight of a baby, when it was all she could do to just thread water already.

How far away the life she dreamed of seemed. Behind a frosted glass wall, she could make out the general shape of it, but never touch it. And very clearly, moving behind the glass, was Jamie. She didn’t need to see her edges clearly to know the shape of her.

She held the smirking girl in her mind’s eye as clear as day, from the curly brown hair on her head, down the slender column of her neck and her gently curving breasts – tight when she stretched her arms over her head.

Dani could feel herself wanting her, could feel her arousal begin to throb, and she allowed herself the release denied to her throughout the week. She snaked a hand along her stomach, gliding swiftly down to find where she ached most. She moaned to herself at just how _fucking good_ it felt to finally give herself something she needed. She imagined not her own hand, but the gardener’s, and instead of the steam from her bath kissing her skin it was Jamie’s perfect lips. She groaned again, unable to stop herself, unable to not rock her hips into her hand, small explosions igniting under her touch.

“Dani!” Eddie called through the door, with a sharp knock, and she sat up shocked and flushed.

“Uh- yeah?” she called, frazzled and caught. “I’ll be out in a few minutes!”

He paused for a second before replying, “I’ll be downstairs!”

She fell back into the water with a loud plop and some sloshing over the sides. She stared directly ahead of her at the ceiling, trying to control her breath and the hot tears that leaked from her eyes.

_He can’t let me have fucking anything._

* * *

Dani flitted through the week in a daze. She had cleaned up and cooked and played the good little housewife throughout the weekend and every day after work. She had forgotten in her interruption the other night that she was intending on giving him the cold shoulder about the state the house had been in. And in the residual guilt she had about flirting with Jamie all week she let it slide. Just like she always did.

A small thrill snaked through her when she told him she wouldn’t be home on Friday night, a special introductory night the academy offered to the parents of their students, once the children had a week or two to settle.

He had furrowed his brow and asked why she couldn’t just come home after it. It was a wine and cheese night, so of course it would make more sense to stay there, she told him. He had offered to drop her there the in the morning, collect her that evening, but she had insisted he had his own work to think about and he couldn’t be a walking zombie in the office so soon after the Mason promotion. He had sulked, and she had quite enjoyed his silence and her victory.

The morning and afternoon of the mixer had flown by, faster than any other. The kids were particularly co-operative, aware that their parents would be getting a full report that very evening. Dani enjoyed their compliance and dedication to making a good impression, it was a smart quality to have.

They, in fact, had been so good that Jamie had commented on how quiet they had been while delivering her morning cup of coffee at ten. And the world spun differently on its axis after that because Dani hadn’t even been aware just how badly you could miss another person you didn’t even really know until she did. It had only been seventeen hours.

The evening, however, was more of a drag than Dani cared for. Wealthy husbands and pretentious wives enquiring all evening about how little Peter and little Timmy were getting on. More than once she caught someone’s husband staring right down the cleavage of her dress right beside his wife.

She was repulsed by the gall of it, could see the same thing happening to Rebecca at the table beside her. It was all honestly repulsive. So repulsive that as soon as they left she had swiped a bottle of left over wine and made her way to the small lake behind the academy to drown her fury in peace instead of gather with the rest of the staff to debrief. It wouldn’t do to explode in front of her new colleagues.

“Going fishing?” Jamie chirped, plopping down beside her, and crossing her ankles.

Dani scoffed, a little buzzed already, “there’s no fish in there.”

“A bold assumption!” Jamie grinned. “There might be.”

Dani shrugged, and took a swig.

“Contraband!” Jamie gushed, reaching for the bottle, and Dani laughed around her mouthful of red.

“Needed,” Dani replied, miserably, watching Jamie take a swig. And she took a secret pleasure in placing the bottle to her own lips directly after Jamie. Imagined that it was almost like they had kissed.

“Mmm,” Jamie agreed with a nod. “Parent’s night is tough with this lot. I usually make myself scarce.” She took the bottle back from Dani, and in her drunken haze Dani wondered if maybe the same concept had occurred to her. That maybe they had just kissed in Jamie’s mind too.

She held Jamie’s gaze, her own turning to a glare as she thought back on her evening. “They just _leered_ at me all night, I bet they didn’t catch a single word I said about their kids,” Dani fumed. She fumed for herself, and for the kids. “What kind of a family environment was that, where your father could openly undress someone with their eyes and your mom ignore it only to ask whether you’re top of the class, and if not how do we get them there. Objectifications and expectations. It was gross.” She roughly grabbed the bottle back from Jamie.

“Wow,” Jamie blinked. “A lot to unpack there.”

Dani nodded.

“Men are shite?” she offered, reaching more gently for the bottle and taking another swig.

Dani began to laugh. “You have _no_ idea. And Moms. They’re shit too.” She shivered a little at the chill that had descended suddenly in the air. Her dress, as she had discovered throughout the course of the evening, left something to be desired by way of coverage.

Jamie pitched an eyebrow high on her forehead and stared with a smirk back at her. “I have some idea.” She bumped her shoulder to Dani’s and Dani burned to ask her what of it she knows. What it is that brought her here to this point in her life. But she didn’t, because Jamie rose instead and held out her hand as it began to rain hard and pulled her toward the greenhouse. “Help me lock up before the rain settles in?”

“Of course,” Dani agreed, but it looked to be settling in quite fast, its patter wild against the quick wind that had begun to stir.

She made it to the greenhouse, chest tight and out of breath, moments after Jamie, following her into the descending darkness of the greenhouse.

“Fuck!” she heard her curse as she reached the mercifully warm interior.

Dani walked over to where she was flicking the light switch on the wall. “What?” she asked, ignoring the swell of butterflies in her stomach, ignoring the way listening to the other woman breathe rocked through her like a wave.

“Electricity is out,” she murmured, “or the bulb is out again, fucking keeps happening.” She moved away from Dani to find the lock box with the key by memory and a flashlight she picked up along the way.

A cool, clammy feeling settled over Dani’s skin, despite the warmth of the room. “Jamie…” she began, trailing off.

“Yeah?” she asked, walking back to her, and Dani’s breath caught in her chest at the way the light glinted of her eyes and characteristic smirk. She wrapped a spare coat around Dani, who squirmed into it, thankful the darkness hid her flush.

She took another swig from her bottle to settle her jumping nerves before placing it on the table beside them and followed Jamie out to the entrance of the greenhouse.

“Fuck.”

Jamie snickered, “where’s your umbrella, Poppins?”

Dani rolled her eyes, but smiled anyway, and took off after Jamie at a run from the greenhouse trying as hard as she could to stay upright in her heels as the rain thundered down around them. The ground squelched beneath her boots with every step. She came awfully close to losing her footing more than once, staying upright only by the skin of her teeth. Her companion seemed a lot surer footed, running in front of her with much more ease than should be possible in a storm like this.

It pounded down around them hard, soaking them through their jackets, and blocking out the moonlight. Dani followed the flashlight bobbing in the distance and reached the gate without a major incident. She helped heave the heavy iron bars, clanging them together loudly.

Dani took the torch from Jamie, anxiously watching as she fumbled with the slippery lock. She watched as her pale hands weaved the chain through the gates and secured it with a click, and before they could disappear inside the sleeves of her jacket Dani grabbed them, and pulled, and Jamie turned to her with wide eyes and an unreadable expression.

Dani pushed herself into Jamie, more so pulled the gardener to her, and crashed her mouth wildly into hers.

Jamie responded immediately, not a single second lost. Suddenly her hand was in Dani’s hair and her chest was pressed against her own, her hips driving them back toward the wall, and the taste of her.

_The taste of her._

She melded into Jamie for minutes, hours, days, savouring her in a way she hadn’t understood was possible. She would never tire of it, but suddenly Jamie was pulling away, and Dani was cold and shivering. But Jamie held her hand and pulled, setting off at a slow jog back toward the greenhouse.

They had only made it through the door, flashlight dropped to the ground forgotten, and Jamie’s lips were back on her own.

Dani’s heart soared to heights she never thought she could reach. The fire that compelled her all was all at once the most unfamiliar sensation and yet the most natural thing she had ever experienced.

She kissed her back and shrugged out of her coat when nimble fingers undid the zip. She felt it drop, skimming down her bare legs, and tried to relieve Jamie of her own coat. But her hands were shaking so bad and she couldn’t tell if it were the cold or the nerves or the adrenaline. It didn’t matter, Jamie shed her own jacket noticing her struggle, and Dani could feel the smirk on her lips and laugh nervously in response.

She broke free of Jamie’s lips and followed the trail made by a rain drop right under her ear. Jamie shivered in response and she felt her hand slide beneath the back of her dress – she hadn’t even noticed her unzipping it. Her breath froze in her chest at the coldness of it, and the heat that surged right through her. She moaned and rocked her hip into the thigh Jamie had settled between her legs.

“Jamie,” she whispered into her ear, bucking her hips forward, an addiction to the sweet relief it gave rooting itself deep within her.

“Shh,” she whispered back, her hand now pressing firmly into Dani’s backside and it was all she could do to moan her response back because the consistent firm pressure of Jamie’s gyrating hips and the way she nibbled a trail down her neck had Dani _so close_ , in an embarrassingly fast and uncontrollable way.

Her body was no longer connected to her mind, her mind that might have told her to slow down, while her body hungered for _more_. The inferno she had been dreaming about fully enveloped her. The way Jamie moved against her, pushed her dress up her legs, rocked her hips in a perfect way, sure of hitting the right spot, had Dani’s swimming. Jamie was a maestro conducting her body to sing.

And Dani was so close, almost to the top of her elusive mountain, but then she was gone, and Dani was cold.

“Shit,” Jamie cursed, quickly grabbing her wet jacket, and zipping it up.

“What?” Dani asked, confused and breathless.

Jamie’s hands shot to her coat on the ground, she flung it around Dani’s shoulders, who struggled to fit her arms through while Jamie nimbly fed the zip through. Dani just stared, dazed, unsure and rejected.

“Someone’s coming,” she murmured, and Dani finally registered the flickering light coming through the windows of the greenhouse as someone ran toward them. Jamie quickly replaced the key from her pocket and walked ahead of Dani in time to appear as though naturally exiting to go back to the academy.

Dani put one foot in front of the other attentively, unsure yet if she could co-ordinate herself properly. Her skin simmered and a sinking feeling in her stomach roared to life.

“Well, what’s brought you all the way down here in the rain then?” Jamie chirped, and Dani noted with a twinge of offense just how unaffected she seemed.

“Well,” Owen’s voice came from the entrance, and seconds later his eyes found Dani’s. “I thought you might have needed help shutting the gates in the rain, but I now see you had already managed to wrangle someone.”

He nodded, dumbly, at Jamie and she thought she heard her murmur something like “git” under her breath at him as he ran back out into the rain.

She liked Owen but certainly now she whole-heartedly agreed with Jamie. 

_Will no man ever let her have some fucking relief!_

She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry, she wanted to tear her fucking hair out.

The cold rain cooled her skin as she followed them back to the building at a rapid pace. She quickly bid Owen goodnight, taking off up the staircase, Jamie on her heels throwing something about getting out of wet clothes over her shoulder.

She heard vaguely Owen agree with them, that they certainly weren’t to be catching their deaths this evening.

Maybe not from the cold but if her frustration grew any greater, she would certainly die from that alone.

Jamie was on her heels, she could hear her ragged breathing from their run, possibly their tryst. She enjoyed it, hoped that she had not been the only one wanting, the only one so deeply affected by this.

They came to a stop outside of her door abruptly, and she turned to Jamie, just as the other woman had done the same. An invitation forming in her brain, she wilfully wrested with herself to get it out onto her lips.

But then Jamie was saying, “well, goodnight Poppins,” as she breathed out a ragged breath, an agitated look on her face, and disappeared behind her own door.

_What._

_The._

_Fuck._

Dani walked into her own room, burning. Burning with desire and frustration and rage and confusion. What had just happened? She had been sure they were on the same page. Sure that Jamie had felt what she was feeling.

She paced back and forth, blood pumping through her limbs rapidly in time with her beating heart. She had not gotten it wrong. She was sure she hadn’t. She was right this time. This was the most right she had ever felt in her entire life, and Jamie felt it too. She had heard it in her voice, seen it on her face, tasted it on her lips.

Resolute, she walked over to her door and lurched it open, determined to _finally fucking get what she wanted._

She didn’t have to go far, Jamie was standing on the other side, the same fire burning in her eyes, hand poised to knock.

Dani stood back and she darted in, pressing her against the door as soon as it had closed behind them. She heard Jamie turn the key in the door, locking them in. And everything rushed back all at once. The heat, the fire, the hope.

She wound her fingers into her curls as Jamie’s mouth crashed against hers over and over, her tongue licking Dani’s own. Dani’s hands, sure this time, descended from her hair to wiggle between them and pull her zipper all the way down. She pushed the coat from her shoulders and, with a desperation she had never known before, roughly pulled her shirt over her head, buttons and all.

Jamie returned to her, peeling the jacket from her shoulders, the straps of the dress falling of their own accord, still unzipped from earlier. Dani shivered as the cold air hit her and she felt Jamie pull her toward the bathroom. She was loath to break their kiss, but her dress fell from her body, untethered and she stumbled out of it.

“Oops,” she heard Jamie whisper, “careful, Poppins.” And she pulled her hand.

The bathroom was lit only by the soft glow of the light from the other room, but it must have been identical to Jamie’s own room because she navigated the controllers flawlessly and in moments she was back to wrapping Dani in her arms and kissing her blazing trail down her neck.

Dani’s breath caught in her throat at the small nip Jamie planted there. She felt the clasp of her bra come undone and dropped her arms so it fell to the floor. In one smooth motion she had unbuttoned Jamie’s trousers and slid them down her hips where she kicked them off.

She swallowed, taking in Jamie’s supple form in the lamplight. Curves she had long traced with her eyes, long been bombarded with in her dreams, thought about day and night. She ran her hand from hip to waist, taking Jamie’s jawline with her lips, and teeth. She dragged her fingers over her ribcage and settled on her breast.

It was the most exquisite thing she had ever laid hands on, and if Jamie’s panting breaths were anything to go by, she might be feeling an ounce of the electricity Dani felt coursing through her own veins.

With her other hand, she pulled at Jamie’s pants, only able to half slide them down a hip and felt Jamie chuckle in a quiet whisper.

“Eager,” she commented, and Dani wondered just what else she could do with her wicked tongue. The thought made her shiver, to which Jamie promptly untangled herself from Dani’s grasp and ordered her into the shower.

Dani quirked an eyebrow, her commanding presence demanding to be respected, and Dani gladly obliged.

She pushed her own pants, soaked through, down her legs and stepped nimbly into the shower. Jamie followed suit with her own and joined Dani in the warm cascading water. It lit her skin up, filled her with warmth she hadn’t known she’d been lacking. Jamie’s heated attentions had kept her from feeling the cold.

The lamplight and moonlight fighting through the clouds painted a contrasting picture across Jamie’s face, and in the soft haze she could see her eyes held nothing but hunger for Dani.

Dani hoped she could see the same in her own, hope she portrayed the confidence she did not feel. She was a creature acting purely on instinct, filling in her gaps in experience with the intensity of just how fucking badly she wanted this.

She pulled Jamie to her, not rough but insistent, and she captured her mouth in a hot kiss. The water washed away some of the tension she had felt in the previous week, the tension built up in the search for her release, but did nothing to stop the fresh build she could feel between her legs.

When Jamie pushed her back against the tile of the shower, and covered her mouth with her hand instead of her lips, Dani’s eyes widened. She felt Jamie trail a hand down to her sex, but without touch, without relief, and Dani near screamed.

“Shh,” she whispered and dropped to her knees so fast Dani would not really have had a chance to protest had she wanted to.

She kissed a line, just under her belly button, down further and further, not breaking eye contact with her for the descent.

Dani had never seen a single more erotic image in all her days. Could not quite believe that this was really happening to her. Could not really form a single coherent thought pattern as soon as Jamie’s mouth, hotter somehow than the water beating around them, captured her clit in a wicked swipe of her tongue. Dani bit her lip, never in her life had anything felt so _fucking good_.

She held onto Jamie’s head, hoping somehow not topple over and ruin the greatest moment of her life.

Helpfully Jamie’s hands wrapped around her hips, keeping her steady. Dani was glad for it, with one leg draped over her shoulder and the other being precariously knocked off balance by her rolling hips. 

Her tongue weaved a pattern over Dani’s sex like an expert, like in all her life if she were to have a single God given talent, this was it. Hers to gift unto others as she saw fit and Dani was mercifully on the receiving end. Would long to be on the receiving end forever. Her breath came in more and more rapid gasps as she fought to hang on for as long as she could, fought to stay with her delicious build up, reach heights previously unknown to her.

Jamie’s mouth worked tirelessly, drawing her in and letting her fall over and over, kept her teetering on a line she _somehow_ knew Dani was balancing on. And when she came, with a final lash of her tongue, Dani had to bite down on her own hand to keep from screaming. Wave after wave of pleasure rocked through her body. Her knee trembled as Jamie continued to lather her with attention, only stopping when Dani began to fall. She darted up to steady her, still on her knees.

Her own panting breath matched Jamie’s, she could hear her, feel her. She tangled a hand lazily in her hair as she came down.

“Been dreaming of that for a long time,” Jamie murmured, and a shock of arousal plunged straight toward Dani’s core. 

_Even now, what that woman can do._

Dani breathed out a soft laugh, “me too, actually.” She felt Jamie smile into her stomach and plant a kiss before rising to her feet.

Dani launched herself at her as soon as she stood, licking her own taste from her mouth, replacing it with her tongue. Jamie met her intensity with the electricity coursing through her own veins.

She pushed her up against the wall and kissed her as if she hadn’t already been wrapped around her, shaking and fighting her own gratuitous moan. Still hungry, still wanting.

Jamie’s hands found her hip, her breast, and she pressed a thumb lightly into her nipple. Dani moaned softly into her mouth and wedged a leg between Jamie’s, rocking her hips delicately into her, and when she broke away to catch her breath, a soft, “Jesus” rolled out of Jamie’s mouth.

Dani went back to the jawline she had been admiring for days, and nipped lightly, working her way down to Jamie’s shoulder as her hand replaced her knee.

She touched her tentatively at first, slightly unsure, hoping to play it off as teasing. She moved to kiss her neck and coated her fingers more fully in Jamie. She was so wet Dani all but stopped breathing, unable for a second to comprehend that _she_ had done this. Prouder than she had ever been in her life.

At a low groan from Jamie and an insistent jerk of her hips, she settled into a rhythm that had the brunette panting in seconds, and moving to grip Dani’s hips for dear life.

Dani caught her lips, determined to swallow any noises Jamie could not hold onto herself, as she rocked into her.

She was so soft, so wet, and Dani found that her hand was _so_ ready for this. She slipped a time or two, but reclaimed her rhythm seamlessly, and Jamie was a twitching, panting puddle before her. In all of her deepest fantasies, she had never imagined how pleasurable giving pleasure would feel. With every jerk of her hips, and ragged breath and frantic kiss she could feel her own need growing more and more.

When she came, with a sharp jerk of her hips, and a bite to Dani’s shoulder, Dani held her up, pressing her body close and never wanting to let go.

“Fucking hell,” she heard her whisper and she nodded, grinding into her hip instinctively. She kind of fucking loved her filthy mouth. She felt the grin on the side of her face as Jamie turned into her, and turned to meet her look of open curiosity. “Again?” she asked, surprised.

Dani blushed, surprised too at how soon she had bounced back, and shrugged, unsure. She’d come once, certainly felt like the night to find out if she could do twice.

* * *

Dani packed her bags early the next morning. Her reluctance to go home draped around her like a shield, preventing her from enjoying the sun finally having made its appearance.

Anxiety twisted inside of her. She did not wake up with Jamie in her arms, where she had been when she had fallen asleep.

She took a few steadying breaths, reminding herself that the gardener likely rose before her ordinarily, but unable to fight the sinking feeling that pulled at her insides.

She longed to see her, to talk, to laugh and joke or even just to look at her. But she hadn’t knocked on her door this morning as she had in the previous days with a cup of tea. Whether or not this was due to Dani she didn’t know. She hoped not with every single wish she had within her.

Dani could think of nothing else. Her brain laboured over the thought, and a knot formed in her chest, pulling and pulling and pulling, revealing in its wake a pain Dani was entirely unfamiliar with.

She shouldered her bag and set for her car, each step dragging her further down into a well of anxiety and panic.

She had just closed the trunk when she heard her name called and turned to see Jamie jogging over the still damp stones of the courtyard toward her.

“Hey,” she smiled at her, nervous and a little thrilled to see her. How she would make it through the whole weekend without a glimpse of the half smile she favoured her with, she didn’t know.

“Hey,” Jamie shuffled her foot in the stones.

“How are you?”

She smiled and puffed out a breath, “look, Poppins,” and something in her tone and the way she averted her gaze made Dani’s stomach plummet, “about last night. I shouldn’t have…” she trailed off and took Dani’s heart with her.

“You’re sorry?” Dani asked, hurt. _So_ hurt. “You didn-”

Jamie’s eyes flashed to hers, “No I did!” she cut her off.

Dani shook her head, not understanding.

“No,” Jamie ran a hand through her hair, forehead creased. “No, I wanted to– _fuck_ – I just– I shouldn’t have, okay?” she stammered.

A knife twisted in Dani’s gut, “why?” she asked, but her mouth was dry, and her heart was breaking, and it came more emotive than she would have liked. She prayed she would make it to the car before she broke.

“Well,” Jamie levelled a look at her, “well you’re _married_.” She looked at her with pleading eyes and shook her head. “Listen,” she spoke kindly, taking Dani’s hands, “you’re clearly struggling with some stuff, some painful stuff. I can see it in your eyes every time you look at me.”

She looked her directly in the eye and Dani saw no malice, just truth. If she weren’t completely misreading her eyes, there was some pain there too. It didn’t make her feel any better. She sucked in a shallow breath.

“You try to hide it, but it’s there,” Jamie continued, and shook her head sadly. “I shouldn’t have done that last night, made your world more complicated than it has to be.” She gritted her teeth and gave Dani’s hands a squeeze. “I care about you, want to help you keep that smile on your face. But this wasn’t the way, I just- I couldn’t help myself.”

Dani shook her head, unable to speak, unsure what to say when what she wanted to say was actually _but you make it so much easier!_

She wanted to scream.

“Can we be friends?” Jamie asked, pulling back, and sticking her hand out. “Fresh start on Monday? Tea and biscuits and smiles? Agony aunt and unregistered therapist?”

Dani nodded, but she didn’t laugh at Jamie’s attempt at humour. Wasn’t sure she would ever laugh again. Her chest was in pieces, and they churned against each other with each ragged breath she drew.

Not daring to open her mouth and have her litany of protests pour out. She took her hand and shook, and ignored the electricity it pumped into her body. She got straight into her car and made for home. Her body, for once, obeyed her, and she made it past the gates before the tears began to fall.

* * *

The hour it took her to get back to her house felt altogether much shorter than she would have liked. She had gotten into her car directly after the encounter with Jamie and for the life of her if anyone had asked her to recount a single minute of the journey she could not have answered. On autopilot she made her way back into town, down the streets littered with autumn leaves, and up to her own red brick house.

Her heart sunk even further, if it were possible, at the site that greeted her. She parked on the street, the driveway filled with Judy’s and her mother’s cars. She swore viciously to herself.

_If there’s ever a day for this, it’s not today._

She had half a mind to turn right around and completely avoid whatever scenario was in store for her.

Her mother’s arms enveloped her as soon as she entered the house with a, “hello dear!”

“Hi Mom,” Dani put on her best fake cheerful voice, but it was strained, and she could tell her mother knew. She had cried so hard on the way home it wasn’t possible to recover her face. “What are you doing here!”

“Oh Danielle,” she murmured, taking hold of Dani’s cheek. “You need to get more rest, that school must be dreadful to sleep in!”

Dani shook her head, irritated, heartbroken, and already fed up, “it’s actually lovely, Mom.”

“Come,” she pulled her into the living room, and set her down in a seat surrounded by Judy and Eddie before taking her own place to her right.

A circle. Dani held her breath. “What’s going on?” she asked.

“Danielle,” Eddie began, “we’re worried about you.”

Dani felt her face grimace at him. “What do you mean?”

“Well dear!” her mother took her hands in one of her own. “This whole _job_ business.” Karen rolled her eyes.

Dani sighed, _the couldn’t let her have anything_. “What about this whole _job business_?” she snapped.

“Well honey,” Judy spoke calmly, her eyes expressing her concern toward Karen, sharing a secret thought at her outburst, a look that said _I told you so_. “Well, it’s obviously interfering with your family life.”

Dani shook her head, “what?”

“Come on now, Danielle, look at this place!” her mother interjected.

Dani looked around her, for the first time taking in the empty pizza box in the corner and the dust that seemed to have gathered on the surfaces of the oak cabinets since she had wiped them down last weekend. The carpet could do with a vacuum.

“You must be joking,” she laughed, looking to her mother for the punch line. Her smile fell upon the realisation that her mother was completely serious. She turned to Judy, and Eddie in turn. All serious. “I’ve literally only walked in the door. Eddie’s been here all week too.”

“Well you can’t expect him to clean up after a full day’s work, can you?” her mother countered.

Dani felt her jaw drop. “So, you expect _me_ to come home after a full day’s work and clean up after a grown man who evidently couldn’t even find the fucking bin for his take out?” Her eyes whipped around to Eddie and he winced.

“Dani-” he began, but her mother cut him off.

“You don’t have to work Danielle, that’s what we’re saying. You should be keeping your house and starting a family.”

“I don’t believe this,” Dani shook her head. “This actually cannot be happening.”

“Sweetie,” Judy grabbed for her hands, but Dani swiftly pulled them out of her grasp. She clasped them together in front of her instead. “We just worried about you, you know? You’ve had trouble conceiving but that doesn’t mean it’ll never happen. Doesn’t mean that you have to throw yourself into something like this job to-”

“What are you talking about?” Dani snapped harshly, adrenaline surging through her. She was so angry she could spit.

_What the fuck was this, an intervention? An intervention about her fertility and employment?_

“Danielle, we have been trying for a year.” Edmund spoke softly but insistently. “Maybe it’s time we go to see someone? A doctor?” He looked at her in the eye and she stared back at him, blankly.

She couldn’t fault him for thinking that there was something wrong, but once again his own narrative had taken over, blinded him to the real issue going on. He was goaded on by his enablers, Mother Clucker One and Two.

Dani put her head in her hands, her growing headache roaring to life, and felt her mother drape a sympathetic arm around her shoulder. She shrugged her off viciously, whipping around to face her shocked expression. “Get out,” she demanded.

“What?” Her mother’s mouth fell open.

“I said get out,” she turned to Judy, “you too. Leave. Now.”

“Danielle, you can’t jus-”

“No, it’s fine!” Judy cut her son off. “You two should talk this out as man and wife, our concerns are known now.” She looked intensely at Karen and nodded to the door.

Dani’s stomach twisted horribly. _Man and wife._ Why was she always being fucking defined by him?

They made a quick exit, and Dani turned to Eddie upon hearing the door slam.

“What are you doing? Asking them to come here for this?” She could feel hot tears streak down her cheeks. He reached for her and she pulled away.

“Because I’m worried. I’m worried about you; I’m worried about us.”

“Eddi-”

“I’ve made us an appointment at Doctor O’Rourke’s tomorrow, to talk things over with a medical professional.”

“No-”

“Danielle, we need help.”

“I don’t wan-”

“Dan-”

“Eddie, I don-”

“We don’t have any other options lef-”

“Stop!” she shouted. “Stop it Eddie, stop it! I don’t want this!” The dam had bust in her head, his pleading and desperation to fix her, to fix them. Her inability to feel what he needed her to feel. His face crumbling before her. His need to always be involved, not give her an inch of space. He wasn’t the boy she remembered, his mother wasn’t the family she wanted, or needed. They had turned on her, sculpted her for years to fit into a shape they could live with. Each one in their own way taking turns on sealing her into a cage. “I can’t do this,” she sobbed, tears flowing freely.

“Dani,” he soothed, rushing over to her, and wrapping his arms around her.

She pushed out of his grasp. “No Eddie, I can’t do _this_.” She motioned between them.

“What are you talking about?” He looked back at her, puzzled, like she had slapped him. “ _This_ ,” he repeated.

“Us,” she confirmed. “I can’t be with you anymore.”

“What? What are you talking about Danielle?” His face was crumbling again, and her heart shattered into a million pieces to see his pain.

“Eddie,” she cried softly, tilting her head to look at him sadly. “Eddie, I can’t be with you. I think you know already; I don’t feel the same way as you.”

He shook his head. “No. No, what are you talking about?”

Dani looked at for a couple of moments more, and deciding on the truth for once, reached over to her chair, and grabbed her bag. His eyes followed her movements. She pulled her box of contraceptive pills from its insides and handed them to him.

He stared at it, frowning, unable to formulate a sentence.

“I’m sorry,” she told him, sniffling into the sleeve of her jumper.

“What is this?” he asked, his voice hardening. “What the fuck is this, Danielle?” He crushed the box in his hand.

“I don’t want to have a baby. I don’t want to start a family with you, Eddie,” she sobbed. She briefly considered lying again, but what good would that do? He was so good at spinning things around in his head, she couldn’t leave any room for error here.

“You’ve been taking the pill this whole time?” he asked, angry now. She nodded. He threw the packet against the wall where each little pill popped out of its foil and scattered on the floor. She watched them roll, preferring this than looking him in the eye. He reached for her, grabbing her arms and squeezing. “Why!” he shouted, shaking her.

She cried harder. “Because, I don’t want this!” she shouted, pushing him off. His handprints burned in her arms. “Because I thought I could feel the way you wanted me to, feel the way you feel, if I just worked at it! But I can’t, I don’t!”

“You don’t love me?” he whispered, harsh and grating around his own tears.

She shook her head, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you, Edmund.”

His face hardened as he stared for a few brief moments before he walked out, slamming the door.

Dani sobbed into her hands, unable to quite believe what she had just done. She’d broken up with him. Had wanted to do this for so long and been so scared. Scared of losing him, of losing the family she had claimed as a child, of losing her mother’s grudging respect for her life choices.

But what did it matter now anyway, what happiness had that ever brought her?

She cried tears of relief, to finally have broken free of her prison, and tears of despair for the freedom she had found and lost.

She dragged her exhausted body up the stairs and packed what remained of her clothing into her suitcases and the essentials she could think of and hauled them out to her car. Not being here when he got back was at least _something_ she could do right for him.

She could go back to the school, Hannah had told her the room was there for her if she wanted to stay on permanently instead of trudging back to the town every night, but Jamie was there and the rejection was still too fresh.

Instead, she took herself to the outskirts of town to the motel she passed on her way to work every morning and booked herself in for a week.

The man taking her booking looked at her red rimmed eyes and wedding ring and told her in no uncertain terms that there was a strict policy of quiet after nine.

She didn’t respond, merely took her key and dragged her luggage inside.

 _Fucking dickhead_.

She curled under the blanket and cried herself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really appreciate all feedback from the last chapter, thanks y'all! 
> 
> I know this was a bit of a mammoth chapter - sorry if you're really not into that! I tried to make every passage have some sort of purpose but if there was too much filler that is completely understandable at 12k words :) 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! Thoughts? Reactions? Feels? (found an error? :P )


	3. 3

The rain had started again at some point on Sunday around midday. Dani registered it in the back of her mind, curled foetal under her blanket, looking blankly at the peeling wallpaper above the window. She hadn’t moved since arriving at the motel the previous day, save for a trip or two to the bathroom to be sick.

Her whole world had changed in the blink of an eye. Every now and then she would remember the gravity of just how much she had altered her life and waves of nausea would come over her.

Anxiety curled around her like a shroud, like a physical entity clutching at her, digging its nails into her, pulling her further and further down into murky depths. It prevented from thinking anything other than _what the fuck have I done?_

The thoughts that seeped into her brain were less than kind, hurling a barrage of second guessing and the flitting images of everything she had just thrown away.

Her mother, the woman who was supposed to be on her side always. She would be so disappointed in her. The insidious monster, with her soul in its grip, squeezed her at the thought of Karen. They had never had an easy relationship, but her marriage had been something that Karen had respected. Dani had done something right for once, secured herself a husband, something that she thought of proudly – her “son in law”. The new family she could rebuild around Dani rekindling their relationship.

Judy, more of a mother to her as a child than the drunken mess Karen had been. She had taken her in, kept her fed, made sure she had her homework complete, even watched over her as she slept over on many occasions. She bitterly regretted how she had spoken to her, righteous as she had been. Judy had interfered where she wasn’t wanted, but that did not mean Dani had to stoop to such a level. That wasn’t her, she was _kind_ , she _cared_ about people, prided herself on it. If Judy hadn’t interfered where she wasn’t wanted when Dani was a child who knows how often she would have gone to bed hungry.

And then, images of Eddie’s broken face, crumbling under the weight of his pain, flashed through her mind. The moment she told him she didn’t love him replaying over and over, causing a fresh cascade of tears to soak her thin motel pillow. Her head pounded because of them. Her skin raw and exposed with dehydration.

So great was her pain it had forced her to be sick on two separate occasions, the anxiety expelling any slight bit of sustenance that would keep her alive. Her body deciding for itself what it was willing to live with, and the shock of ejecting every single member of her family out of her life had been too much.

She made no move to get any water, to try rehydrating herself.

_What was the fucking point?_

_Keep living and feeling like a fucking failure?_

She had decided what she wanted. She wanted to be herself, wanted to feel herself, to finally fucking _feel_ something at all for once _._ And she had done it, and it had been the most amazing thing.

Jamie’s hands and lips, her teeth and tongue, her attention and care. All of it had sparked new life into Dani, a life she had only ever glimpsed from afar and longed for. Even now still longed for. She could breathe for the briefest of moments.

And it had been snuffed out before it had ever got to live, of course it had. How did she think that could have worked out? A married woman and her female colleague? The little spark of joy it had ignited had been replaced by the cool shock of reality. She was a _teacher_ , having sex with the _gardener_ at school. And she was _married_.

And she wanted to again, yearned for it. A beacon in her darkness.

She couldn’t deny Jamie a fair portion of her anguish. Eddie hurt, Judy hurt, Karen hurt, but Jamie _hurt_. And maybe it wasn’t just Jamie, but what she represented. The freedom, the life, the love that had been denied her. Her first attempt to grab it, and it whispered like smoke through her fingers. And it if hurt this bad now, what was really the point in trying again.

She had made her bed.

It was not fair to blame anyone else, she would be resolute in this pain. Her choices were her own. She would live with them herself.

Maybe she was broken, broken to not want the good thing that had landed in front of her as a kid. The fortune that favoured her with a partner, even if his touch never stirred inside of her like Jamie’s had, had been angered and left her to her misery now. Gave a tantalising touch of what would make her whole and whipped it from under her feet and laughed at her as she fell. Revenge for not having been able to grow to love her husband.

She was broken and bitter that the one fucking time she had let herself give in to her base desire she did it in the worst way, her vows broken and in pieces around her.

And even now, that is exactly where she wanted them to be.

Because even with all her regrets, even though her tears and her sickness and her headache and pain, she did not _want_ to be married.

She just wanted her friend back, his smiling boyish face, always so trusting when she had gotten them into trouble as kids.

Not the crumbling face of a man broken at the trouble she had gotten them into now.

She wanted her friend. Her family.

But that was the price, and she paid it now in spades of loneliness.

* * *

Sunrise on Monday morning woke Dani before the alarm she had eventually found the motivation to set on the old device, provided courtesy of the motel room. The beams of sunlight flitted through the holes in the curtains and directly onto her eyelids, setting the hammering in her brain off to the beat of a cuckoo’s pecking.

She groaned in pain at the throb and dragged herself from the bed. She peeled the clothes she hadn’t changed since Saturday from her body and thew them in a pile, not even finding the energy to be repulsed by herself. The lukewarm shower gave rise to thoughts about the day stretching out before her. She only had to make it to four and she could crawl right back under the covers and block the whole world out again.

She could do that.

Twenty-two seven-year olds required instruction about nouns, multiplication, hedgehogs, and painting. And this was the highlight of her day. A self-deprecating laugh bubbled to her lips. If that was the highlight of her day, she had better do a good fucking job of it. Losing St. Charlotte’s was now not an option.

Determined not to cry until at least the moment her tyres reached the road outside of the academy on her way back to the motel this evening, she pushed all thoughts of her shredded life from her mind. The only way to get through it was to not think on it at all.

She let the water run over her cheeks, scorched from salt.

The vending machine provided much needed water after she had gotten dressed and spent a full hour doing her make up, covering up all evidence of her blotchy skin and tired eyes. She swallowed painkillers, chasing it with a whole bottle of water, and fought with her tender stomach to keep it down.

And in the moments between tasks she told herself that she would _not fucking cry._

She could do this. She blasted her radio on the drive to Charlotte’s and focused each moment on remembering the next lyric. No mind wandering today, no daydreams.

At least the headache had begun to fade. 

As she pulled into the long drive, she could see out of the corner of her eye Jamie look up from her rose garden, but Dani tuned away before she could try to wave.

She had already spent hours thinking of how Jamie’s lips had felt, how soft and wet they had been. How her body had fit into hers perfectly, how she had just known exactly what she needed and when she had needed it. She had read her reactions like Dani had been a book she’d written, and Dani felt herself yearn for her touch again, at even the thought of it.

She needed to keep on the straight and narrow today to get through it. The way her body betrayed her with that woman was unacceptable. Too many tears had been shed to risk any more, and she didn’t want the whole school to think of her as the cry baby new girl. And though she fought to admit it to herself, she didn’t really want Jamie knowing how badly she had affected her.

The morning dragged with the mental energy she had to expend on _not_ thinking of her mess of a life. Time heals all wounds, she knew, but when did time start to move so _fucking_ slowly. The kids looked between themselves, aware that their teacher was in a bad mood in the way that pupils usually are. They were good not to push her purposefully, but when Stefan asked her _but why are the names of countries capitalised but not the kinds of dogs?_ she nearly lost it.

The bell at ten chimed and her heart seized, in her chest. “Okay kids!” she called, rushed, “outside! Fresh air, it’s good for you!” Getting the kids out of the classroom was the first step in her ‘Avoid Jamie’ plan. Step two was bolt for the bathroom, which she accomplished without a hint of the gardener. Step three was stay there and try to learn how to breathe again. Her success on this step was debatable.

A cup of tea waited on her desk for her when she returned to her classroom, just moments before the kids were due back, and her stomach did an anxious flip. She stared at it, perfectly golden brown, for a few moments and debated with herself whether she would even drink it.

She sat down and ran a hand tiredly over her forehead.

_Why is this so fucking hard?_

She wanted the tea, probably needed it after a full weekend of eating nothing, but should she really be accepting gifts from the gardener _now_?

It wasn’t Jamie’s fault; it was her own. She was the one who kissed her, who wrenched her door open like a fucking predator to go after her, invited her into her room, her body, her heart.

And now her heart was broken, and she hadn’t a friend left in the world. An entirely blank slate. Was the right move to really pour tea all over it? Get herself wrapped up in something she evidently had no control over?

She sighed in frustration at herself, at how she couldn’t look at a cup of tea and see a fucking cup of tea.

But then Flora was screeching into the room and her head was pounding again and she reminded herself that she had six hours left to go. She poured the tea down the sink in the back of the room and filled the cup up with water, still battling the torture she had put her body through at the weekend, and puffed herself up to complete her one task of ‘get through the fucking day without crying’.

Lunch time came and the children left the room. Dani had fully intended on skipping lunch, instead marking a small test she had given the kids that morning, more to see where they were in terms of multiplication than really assess them. They had groaned and grumbled anyway, and Dani’s heart softened at their scandalised little faces. She had cracked her first smile of the day and bargained with them that if they did this one tiny test, they could do art for the afternoon. It seemed to perk them right up, and it gave her the perfect excuse to avoid the staff room.

She crouched over the tests, intent on shutting the world out, keeping her mind on her work and her work alone. _Definitely_ not letting her mind wander to how easily her teeth took to nipping Jamie’s jaw, and how fucking wet she’d been when she touched her.

A knock on the door startled her, and she jumped up in her chair. She looked up with tired eyes to Owen, an apologetic expression lining his features.

“Hi,” he greeted softly. “Sorry, I know you must be busy to be skipping lunch. Mondays, am I right?”

Dani smiled sadly at him, and laughed, “yeah,” she nodded. “Yeah Mondays really suck.”

He nodded in understanding. “It’s just, you have a phone call,” he nodded his head toward the kitchen.

Dani felt her brows knit together, “really?”

“Yeah,” he murmured, ushering her into the kitchen. “I would have just given a message to call her back, but she seems rather upset and wanted to wait for you.”

She walked in, past her dining colleagues and _Jamie_. A bright smile plastered on her face, she greeted them warmly, forcing her eyes to meet each of them for the same amount of time, and made her way over to the phone.

“Hello?” she answered, heart thundering in her chest and pumping her full of dread with every beat.

“Danielle!?” she winced at her mother’s tone. “What the _hell_ do you think you’re doing!”

Not a question. She cleared her throat and prayed Karen wasn’t speaking loud enough for the others to hear.

“How are you?” she feigned interest, shifting her eyes over to the staff table where most of them were politely trying hard to pretend they were uninterested. Except for Jamie, the gardener’s eyes bored holes into her.

“How a– Danielle! What did you do? And where have you _been_? I’ve been trying to reach you for days, you weren’t home all weekend! What have you been doing?”

“Wow,” Dani snapped back from the phone in shock, “what are you implying, Mom? Did Eddie not answer the phone?”

“Eddie came _home to Judy’s_ two hours after Judy and I made it back, that _poor boy_!”

Dani blew out a frustrated breath, remembering in a flash the avalanche of frustration that had piled on top of her on Friday.

“He is devastated, Danielle, _devastated_.”

Dani closed her eyes and nodded, unable to say in front of her audience what she would really like to.

"I'm sorry about that,” she snipped at her mother on the line. Already edging further than she would like past the polite phone conversation she wanted to be overheard having.

“Well then _fix it_!” her mother yelled. “You think everyone gets to be completely happy in their lives? That they don’t have things to work on? You’re the one sole person in the world that gets to be happy by standing on other people’s joy? How could you be so _selfish_ Danielle.” 

A swell of guilt and fury took her, “can I call you back later, Mom?”

“No, you certainly cannot Danielle, you can come home right now and clean up your mess!”

Dani sighed, “sorry, I can’t do that.” She clenched her right hand at her side, digging her nails painfully into her flesh, grounding her. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Jamie studying her, and it was all just about too much for her _one_ goddamngoal today.

“Fine!” Karen shouted, “I’ll see you this weekend then! And we will have a serious talk!”

“Wha- what’s this weekend?” Dani asked, fighting the prickle she could feel behind her eyes.

“Your. Father’s. Anniversary. Danielle.” Karen spat the words out at Dani and she flinched into the receiver.

_Fucking hell, how could you forget that one._

“I’ll see you then,” she murmured quickly, setting the phone down before Karen could respond, and making a quick exit with a tight smile to the table.

Dani did not immediately go back to her classroom, not wanting again to be interrupted again by anyone or anything, instead she wandered to the small, wooded area that framed the Eastern side of the grounds.

She breathed deeply in the wood, feeling the cold air hit her lungs and soothe her raw insides and roughly pulled her wedding ring from her finger. She walked through the thickets for a time, clenching the damned thing in her hand, willing herself to throw it into the trees and be rid of it forever, before her mother could solder it on to her finger for good.

She was glad for the solitude, revelled in being alone rather than surrounded making small talk with her colleagues, waiting for one of them to ask a question to set her off.

A question like, “so, how was your weekend?” in the smooth caramel voice she longed to hear.

Dani whirled around to see Jamie leaning against a tree, watching her with her deep brown eyes that had sparkled in the moonlight right before she ha- “it was fine,” Dani said, clipped, and cut her thoughts off from a place they definitely could not go.

“Just fine?” she asked. “Not good, or great? Didn’t do anything fun?” Jamie shook her head, willing something more from her.

Dani watched her, tiredly, and cursed her traitor heart for wanting to play into the banter she was laying down. But she really was so tired, and she just shook her head and muttered softly, “just fine.”

“Mine was pretty rubbish too, thanks for asking,” she parried, strolling closer to Dani. “See I kept thinking of how, on Monday, things might be weird between us.” She motioned between them with her hands and Dani followed, knowing she could not deny this.

She just nodded. “Thank you for the tea,” she diverted.

Jamie’s eyes flashed to hers. “Glad you had it, since you skipped out on lunch,” she challenged.

And Dani’s stomach twisted, for not drinking it, for lying, guilty for every single thing she ever did wrong. “Just nice to be outside sometimes,” Dani shrugged and stuffed her hand in her pocket, where it could not be seen, now bare of its ring.

“You were inside though, before you had your phone call. Skipping lunch. Inside,” she looked at her curiously.

Dani nodded, “grading papers.”

“Grading papers,” Jamie repeated, nodding and smiling and absolutely not believing her. “See, the thing is, I kind of thought you were avoiding me.” And Dani saw it, the flash of hurt in her eyes, the look that said _why are you doing this_ in a kind of bemused way where Jamie was clearly struggling with herself to not give anything away.

But Dani was used to hurting people, used to seeing that look on their faces. The only thing she was unused to was reflecting it back to them, never having really felt connected to _that_ feeling before. Her heart beat a fierce rhythm in her chest, pumping blood directly into her brain in a headrush and all she could think was _I miss you, I miss you, I miss you._

So, she said nothing. And Jamie continued to stare.

“What is it then, Poppins?” she asked, hurt. “You don’t want to be friends?”

Dani’s stomach swooped cruelly. She wanted to be sick. “I do!” the words bubbled up to her lips before she could stop them. Before her anger and frustration could grip her and she would lie to save face. “I do, Jamie,” she repeated sadly. 

_I want so much more than that._

Something seemed to unclench in the gardener, as if for the entire conversation she had been holding her breath or guarding against a punch she was sure would come. But Dani could never.

“Then what is it?” she asked, more gently. “Why were you going to skip lunch? And tea? And not saying hello, or how’ve you been? Or even looking at me?”

Dani sucked in a giant gasp of air, willing it to breathe life into her soul.

_I just fucking want you._

But she couldn’t fucking tell her that, that every time she looked at her she wanted to drag her down to her greenhouse and rip her out of her clothes, and coax more soft moaning from her, and feel more of her shaking legs, hold them in her grasp and do it again and again. That she wanted Jamie to sew up the gap she’d created in her chest.

Instead she said, “I’m sorry,” and shook her head. And she was, because she would never see Jamie in pain at her hand. “I just felt a bit awkward.” It wasn’t a lie. It just wasn’t the _full_ truth.

Jamie’s eyebrow rose, “awkward?” she asked.

_Was she surprised?_

Dani shrugged, and held her breath against the tear that leaked from her eye, hoping to hold back the rest. Her goal for the day going into the same rubbish pile as the rest of her life.

Jamie’s face softened at her tear, and she walked forward and enveloped her in her arms, and Dani was back home again in her tight embrace. “Don’t cry,” she soothed, “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just… Jesus… missed you I reckon.”

And then Dani laughed, because she fucking missed her too and hearing it back was like running a burn under cold water. “I missed you too,” she sniffed back another tear. And Jamie’s smell was all around her, fighting through her senses with a fragrance so uniquely her that Dani’s heart slammed right up into her mind and again all she could think of was Jamie, hot and wet, pressing into her.

She sucked in another ragged breath and stepped away. The gardener had made herself perfectly clear, and Dani would respect that.

“What’s the matter, Poppins?” she asked, wiping the tear’s wet path away on her jacket.

And Dani couldn’t, she fucking couldn’t. She would not let Eddie into this moment when she felt lighter than she had in days. When she knew the offer of friendship had been genuine and she hadn’t _completely_ fucked up her life.

She let out a watery laugh, “oh you know, life.” The reply was vague, and she hoped that Jamie would leave it alone.

“Is it your Mum?” she asked, watching closely. And Dani just knew that Karen had introduced herself to Owen. Probably tried to weasel information out of him about her. Who knows what else she fucking told him.

Dani rolled her eyes, “she’s kind of a nightmare.”

Jamie nodded in encouragement, “I gathered that.”

Dani set off for the academy at a slow pace, conscious that time was against her and that she still needed to keep this job. “I have to go home this weekend. It won’t be pleasant.”

“How come?” she asked and to Dani’s surprise, seemed genuinely interested in the answer.

She swallowed against the mention of Edmund. “She’s just not really happy with me right now, and it’s my Dad’s anniversary so she’s going to go extra bitch on me.”

“Oh fuck, I’m sorry to hear that,” Jamie squeezed her arm, “about your Dad.”

“Oh,” Dani swatted at her, pausing for a beat longer than she should. “It’s been a very long time, nothing fresh.”

Jamie nodded in understanding. “Well then I’m sorry your mother is a raging bitch.”

Dani laughed, for the first time in days not quite hating herself.

When she made it back to the motel that evening, and lay her head down to sleep, finally letting herself cry in earnest, it was perhaps not as many tears as she had been expecting.

* * *

Going home to Karen’s, on the other hand, was much harder than she had expected. If she multiplied her worst estimate tenfold she might come close.

From the second she had stepped in the door it was maximum intensity.

She knocked when she reached the house, the afternoon air chill on her skin, and Karen wrenched the front door open with venom in her eyes. Dani’s stomach dropped.

As soon as she had set foot in the hall Karen had slapped a thick brown envelope at her. It was clear from its torn edges that she had opened it.

“He is divorcing you, Danielle!” she slurred. Dani could smell wine in the waft of her breath and her skin prickled uncomfortably.

She accepted the manilla envelope and stuffed it roughly into her bag. “That’s fine,” she choked out. It wasn’t upsetting that she was being divorced, that was expected, but to have her mother expose her business and pass drunken judgement on her was just a touch more stress than she was prepared for.

“It is _not_ fine!” Karen spat.

Dani sighed, “Mom, I left him. You can’t expect him to _not_ divorce me.”

“You left him,” Karen scoffed. “ _You left him!_ ”

Dani was unsure what to say to get out of her situation. Copious of similar experiences from childhood scrambled through her head. She had evidently been drinking for several hours before Dani made it home. No amount of arguing would win her this battle now. So, she stayed silent, and listened to her mother’s vitriol.

“How stupid do you have to be to leave a man like that, Dani! He is kind, and generous. He has a good job, and he _loves_ you! You are selfish, that’s what you are. Selfish and ungrateful. After everything we’ve been through. Your father! Oh, he would be so _disappointed_ in you.”

Dani closed her eyes against the poison, for once not in the least affected by her words. She had no idea what she was really talking about. What she was really asking Dani to give up. “It’s done, Mom,” she shook her head and spoke quietly.

“It is not done!” she countered.

Dani shook her head again, sadly, and looked at her. Standing there in her drunken rage, fighting for her place in the world. She had never found her footing again after her husband had died, always defining herself through him. Dani was a teenager, barely with Eddie a wet day, when she had started to gain her sense of self again through Dani’s relationship. Always asking, always pushing, always needing more.

Dani’s wedding was probably the happiest day of her life.

It hurt her heart to do this to Karen, to take away the piece of meaning she had found in the world, but she wouldn’t break her own heart in favour of her mother’s.

“It is, Mom,” she replied unhappily.

“He is your _family_!” she spat.

Dani puffed her chest up, determined not to give into her guilt trip. “He is, he always will be. But not like this.”

Karen shook her head in disgust at her, “and why not? Why are you doing this?”

“I’m not in love with him, Mom,” she replied simply.

Karen laughed, a deep, cruel, belly laugh. “Miss Danielle, Queen of Hearts, has to be in love to make smart choices.”

Dani rolled her eyes and turned to leave. “I can’t do this.”

“He told me what you did.”

Dani sucked in a breath and whipped around to face her, eyes wide.

“How could you do something like that? Deny him a family, let him think you were building something and _lie_ to him!”

She couldn’t breathe, the walls suddenly closing in on her. She didn’t know what to say.

“You need to fix this. Doing a thing like that? You’ll get _nothing_ in the divorce.” Karen eyed her piteously. “You know how divorced women fair in this world, Danielle. _Fix. This_.”

Dani was out of her depth. Her skin was cold, a slick sweat forming on her spine. “It can’t be fixed,” she mumbled, but even to her own ears there was much less conviction than she had intended. She never wanted anyone to know about the pills, the lying. It wasn’t fair and she knew it. She had been a bad wife, and he deserved better. And, God, she’d actually cheated on him too. If Karen knew that part she could kiss goodbye to any hope of future reconciliation.

“It can,” she replied, cold and hard, and walked over to the door to wrench it open just as the bell rung.

Eddie stood there, pale faced and lips in a tight line and Dani’s heart lurched.

“What are you doing, Mom?” she pleaded.

A warm smile from Karen for Eddie, she could see. Warmer than any she had given her daughter today. “I invited Eddie over this afternoon so you two could talk,” she cooed at him. “I think there are some things you need to discuss. Some things _you_ need to say.” She shot Dani a look over her shoulder, as if to say _fix it now like we’ve discussed._ Her words had slipped some hope into Eddie’s eyes, who looked at her almost as if he wanted nothing more than to hold her, accept her apology, go right back to the start.

Dani shook her head, the strips her heart was torn into flapping wildly in her chest, making her throat tight. The pressure behind her eyes was too much and she began to cry. “I can’t,” she whispered. Pleading with her mother, with Eddie, with anyone at all to let her do this, this one thing, for herself.

“Danielle!” her mother snapped, grabbing her arm, and digging her nails in. She spoke as though she were a child who had stolen his favourite toy. Only it was worse. She had stolen his heart. And now, as she tried to give it back, her mother would have her keep it forever so that she could benefit from its blood.

Well that wasn’t fair. He deserved better. He deserved a woman who could love him back, even if he didn’t know it now.

She shook her head, looking sadly to Eddie, who looked broken all over again. “I can’t,” she whispered again, to a deeper digging of her mother’s nails.

“Don’t be so stupid Danielle, apologise to Edmund right now!” she was growing angrier with every breath, Dani could see. Edmund’s eyes flashed to where she gripped Dani’s arm and a crinkle formed on his forehead. He shook his head at Karen, but before he could say anything, she shouted over him, “Danielle!”

“Mom!” she cracked, shouting back. “I can’t do this! I- I- I- I’m not-,” she shook her head and choked out a breath, stumbling over her words and wrenching her arm back, “I don’t want to be with a man! I’m gay!”

Edmund sucked in a sharp breath, and her mother said nothing.

“I’m sorry!” she sobbed, looking at him. “I’m sorry, but it’s true and I can-”

A sharp sting on her cheek cut her off and she turned in shock to see rage settle across her mother’s face. “Do not do this Danielle, you are embarrassing me. He is your husband, and you will apologise to him. These _lies_ wha– what are you hoping to achieve here? You drive him further and further away.”

Tears cascaded down her face as she turned, flung the door open and left.

Her mother called after her, demanding she return.

Edmund said nothing.

* * *

She sat in the car park of the supermarket back in town, unwilling to go back to her house and not wanting to go back to the motel just yet. They housed her misery, held more of her tears in their walls than any place she had ever been.

And they were _lonely_. So lonely. Her heart was too fragile to be faced with the unending isolation that stretched before her.

At least in the supermarket, with people around, strangers though they were, Dani could pretend. She could pretend like her soul was not whittling away with every word that replayed in her head. Like her mother’s slap was not her death knell.

She tore through the rest of the rips in the envelope to see a date for a sitting with their respective lawyers. One week from Monday. A small relief, at least it would be over soon. Some couples fought for years over the divorce.

She wouldn’t. He could have anything. Everything. She only wanted to keep herself.

She hadn’t gone home intending to tell anyone she was gay, really if she could have avoided it altogether, she would have. Karen had always been good with a guilt trip though, and the finality of not being straight seemed to be the only way that she would get off her high horse.

As she reflected, Dani realised, she really didn’t regret it at all. If she were going to lose everything, she’d ever known she was happy that she was doing it as her authentic self.

If there was any chance that her mother would speak to her again after a divorce, it was better she didn’t have an additional reason down the line to cut her out.

A sharp knock on the window broke her from her musings, and she puffed out a laugh at Jamie’s smirking face peering in at her.

She opened the car door and stepped out, standing awkwardly in front of the gardener. She locked the car. No better time to go and be among the people and leave the divorce papers behind.

“Well now, fancy this!” Jamie greeted, happily. “Running into my favourite teacher at the shop!”

Dani’s reluctant lips quirked into a smile. “Your favourite, eh?”

Jamie snickered, “even among the stiff competition, I think so. Can’t say they’ve gone to the lengths you have to make it to the top.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” she laughed.

“The only way I could ever intend it.” Her eyes glinted in tune with her mischievous smile.

And just like that, she was laughing again, and light again. And the world tilted back to normal a little bit from the slant it had been leaning to.

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

“Oh, picking up some thyme for Owen,” she rolled her eyes, “lest his roast be positively ruined.”

Dani smiled, “sounds just like him.”

They wandered into the supermarket, and Dani picked up a basket. Jamie didn’t bother.

It was difficult to shop when she was staying in a motel, there weren’t any real cooking facilities aside from a kettle. Anything she bought would have to be edible already and require no preservatives. It was a saving grace that she her hunger had been replaced by a gnawing anxiety for the past few weeks.

She walked cautiously around the shop, Jamie at her side, chatting happily and easily. She revelled in the woman’s voice, smooth and filling her entire soul with an ease she had never felt on her own, and she wondered at it. Wondered why it felt so uniquely _Jamie_ , and how she had somehow let the woman into her soul without ever being aware of it.

“How was your mum’s?” she asked her, side-eyeing her warily.

“Fine!” she answered quickly and dishonestly.

“She doing alright? With your dad’s anniversary and all?” she asked.

Dani crinkled her brow, “uh, yeah. She’s doing okay with that.”

_Just not really with anything else._

“Hmm,” Jamie eyed her again, “no offense, Poppins, but you seem a bit shaken.”

Dani’s heart leapt at her nickname. “Do I?”

“Just a bit, yeah.”

She sighed, “she’s just hard work, but I won’t see her again for a while now. Plenty of recovery time!”

_Might be a good long while this time._

“I know a bit about that, putting more effort in than you’re getting back. Stings, doesn’t it.”

Dani bit her lip, “yeah,” she agreed. “Sure stings alright.” The memory of her mother’s hand flying out in front of her stung arguably more than the slap itself, and she gritted her teeth against it.

Jamie cleared her throat stiffly, accepting quietly that she would get no details out of Dani, and reached in front of her for the potted thyme, and Dani grinned at her. Of course, she would choose the living herb over the pre-packed bag. Even at triple the cost. It was so distinctly Jamie.

“What?” she asked at Dani’s smile, and Dani let out a quiet trill of laughter.

She shook her head, “nothing, it’s just…” she trailed off smiling bashfully.

“What?” Jamie asked again, more insistent.

“I just knew you were gonna do that,” she replied, and nodded at the plant at Jamie’s quizzical expression.

Jamie grinned at her, going to reply with something undoubtedly quick witted but stopped herself. Her smile froze on her face and Dani wondered at it as she reached for the bunch of bananas housed under the herbs.

“Dani-” she trailed off.

“Hmm,” she asked, heart battering her rib cage in a familiar rhythm as Jamie grabbed her hand, and she dropped her bananas. “What are yo-”

Jamie swiped a thumb over the small pale ring of flesh, finally seeing the sun after three years being covered with a promise and a commitment of her soul. Dani drew her hand away with a soft, “ah.”

The gardener looked quizzically at her, a question on her lips.

Dani smiled stiffly and picked up the dropped fruit. Jamie followed her crisply to the counter to pay. She did not speak a word to Dani until they had reached her car back in the parking lot and dumped her bananas in the back seat. She had intended on buying more than just the fruit but the pensive look in Jamie’s face in the brief glimpses she had stolen was enough to set her heart alight. She just needed to get out.

“Dani,” Jamie grabbed her arm after she shut the door on her fruit.

Dani allowed her, “yeah?” she chirped brightly.

Jamie pulled her away and walked them toward a low wall that lined the space in front of the store. Dani, unsure, followed silently, and dropped to sit on the wall when Jamie motioned for her to join her.

She looked stricken, and Dani’s heart seized. “Jamie, wha-”

“Dani, I’m so sorry!” she blurted rapidly, mouth open and head shaking.

Dani frowned and grabbed her hand. “Why!” she asked.

Jamie looked at her, distraught, and looked down to run her finger over Dani’s bare wedding finger again.

It hit her in time for her stomach to do a wild swoop.

_She thinks it’s her fault._

“Jamie,” Dani laughed, and Jamie looked at her, wide eyed and worried. “You didn’t do this,” she told her, and confirmed, “you didn’t!” at her disbelieving expression.

“Just a coincidence, is it then?” she asked, bitterly.

Dani rolled her eyes, “we were over a long time ago, really.” That should hurt her to say, but it didn’t. It felt good to admit it, filled up the chasm that was formerly her heart just a small bit. “I don’t really even know if we were ever _together_.”

“You were never together?” Jamie asked.

Dani rolled her eyes, “no we were, I just mean- God- what do I even mean?” she stammered.

“I’m not following you Dani,” Jamie shook her head, still wary. “You’re married, we shagged, now you’re not wearing your ring and acting distinctly gloomier than usual. What is it then?”

Dani’s mouth dried entirely at how casually she had wrapped her mouth around _we shagged._ She kind of wished she would say it again and bit her lip at that thought.

“Eddie and I have been together since we were fifteen,” she explained, still clutching to Jamie’s hand, “it was all I really ever knew. I didn’t understand at the time. I had nothing to compare it to.” She shook her head and took a breath. “I don’t think I ever fell in love with him, but my Mom did, and his Mom was better to me than my own. And it was just easier to not say anything, to just go with it and pick up the feelings I was supposed to have along the way.” She looked over at Jamie, a sad expression lining her features. “You didn’t break us up Jamie, I did that.”

“Because of-”

“Not because of you,” she cut her off. “Because of me. Because that is what I want. I’m tired, I’m so tired of pretending every day. Of not being able to be me or desperately trying to carve out small pieces of myself from him.” She smiled slyly at her. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but it really has nothing to do with you. Only me. It was inevitable anyway.”

Jamie quirked a smile back at her. “Are you sure? I really- I’m not like that. I would never break up a family just for a good time.”

Dani blushed, “I’m sure.” It became smaller in the saying of it. Like the monster that had loomed over her life for the past weeks was diminished with every word she spoke. It was easier to let her mother go, let Judy go, and let her friend go with every word she breathed to the air. “I’m sorry if I’ve been _gloomier_ than usual, it’s just been a lot to deal with.”

Jamie nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Dani sighed, “he’s already taken so much, I kind of felt like it would be better to keep this bit just for me.” She squeezed Jamie’s hand. “To not have him invade every part of my life I suppose.” She rolled her eyes, “it was stupid though.”

Jamie shook her head, “no I get it. Trying to carve out your place in the world. It’s important. Take your control back.”

“Yeah,” Dani smiled, “yeah kinda like that.”

They sat in silence for a few moments in the crisp October air. Companiable silence covered them in a bubble of ease, and Dani breathed so freely that she closed her eyes and revelled in it. Closing the door on her relationship with Eddie is something that she was looking forward to. One week from next Monday. She would start looking for a place of her own tomorrow, start moving her life forward, glad for the friendships that were on the horizon.

“So,” Jamie started, and Dani could hear the mischief in her tone. “You got with him when you were fifteen.”

Dani looked at her out of the corner of her eye and nodded.

“Pretty young,” Jamie commented nonchalantly.

Dani squinted at her. She was used to Jamie’s way of building up to a conclusion by now. Laying down a list of facts first to trap her opponent into a corner. “I suppose it is,” she replied warily.

Jamie pursed her lips together and looked from one eye to the other nodding. “And you’ve been with him since.”

Dani nodded, biting the inside of her cheek.

“Not a lot of time around that for experimentation,” she noted casually.

_Oh God._

Dani cleared her throat, “I guess not.” She scuffed the ground with the toe of her shoe, and felt a heat rising in her chest. Jamie was looking at her, she could feel the gaze bore holes into her skin.

“You’ve never done that before, have you?” the grin in her voice was prominent.

The air choked out of Dani’s lungs and she coughed. Jamie patted her back with a laugh. Dani looked at her, blushing. “Had sex in the shower?” she asked, hopeful and doubtful that this is what the gardener meant.

Jamie grinned, her prey well and truly trapped. “Had sex with a woman before.”

Dani cringed, “that obvious?”

“No,” Jamie laughed, the sunset shining in her deep brown eyes. “No, not at all, I’m just teasing. I didn’t know. You should have told me.”

“You didn’t know?” Dani asked, optimistic.

She shook her head. “No, I didn’t know for sure. I thought maybe but nothing solid.”

Dani groaned, letting go of her hand to hide her hot face in her own. “What gave it away?”

A peel of laughter met her ears. “Honest, I didn’t know. You didn’t do anything that _gave it away_ , just the way you looked at me, like you could eat me whole then and there. Like you were hungry and had never seen a morsel of food in your life.”

Dani bit her lip and looked at her, not really as bashful as she should be. She was not about to tell her how accurate her observation was.

“Yeah,” Jamie nodded, sobering, “kind of like that.”

Dani turned away quickly, trying to breath like a normal rational human but the tightening in her chest was a lot to deal with and she was not entirely sure how to _not_ look at Jamie like that.

“I _liked_ it,” she told her and Dani’s butterflies took flight, lifting her spirits high as they could. She crossed her legs.

“Come on,” Jamie grabbed her hand and pulled her back toward their cars. “Will you eat dinner at the academy tonight? Your bananas look shite.”

Dani laughed and shook her head. “No,” she declined, “I have some stuff to do.”

“Ah,” Jamie nodded. “Some vague things to get settled.”

Amusement bubbled in her. “Impending divorce, you know.”

Jamie’s eyes flashed to her own, and she laughed with her. “Blimey Poppins, suppose I should leave you to it.”

Her heart ached, but she nodded anyway.

* * *

One week from Monday came faster than she would have liked. She had managed to wrangle herself a lawyer to meet at the ‘just off main street’ building where her divorce settlement meeting would take place.

It had been more frustrating than she had imagined. And the questions she had to field were far more invasive than she had assumed.

_So, I don’t get it Mrs. O’Mara, why are you divorcing him?_

_He’s divorcing me._

_And you don’t see any way you can reconcile this?_

_No, I don’t._

_Have you tried?_

_I’ve tried more than you know._

_Did he cheat? Younger woman?_

_No._

_Violent?_

_No._

_Abusive?_

_No._

_I don’t get it._

_You don’t have to._

_Well, it’s just my opinion but on paper I can’t see anything wrong here. Maybe you should try again?_

_No._

He had sighed and agreed to join as her representation, but he _couldn’t promise anything._

Fucking hell did she not need this kind of shit.

The meeting also occurring on her first day of night duty was also not ideal. Thankfully, Becca had agreed to swap the first night of Dani’s nights this week with her first night next week. Dani was so relieved she could have cried.

Another thing she didn’t need was for her car to have a complete bitch fit at her after class had ended. She had just over an hour to make it to the meeting in town and absolutely zero minutes to waste on a mechanic. She groaned in frustration and kicked her wheel.

Of all days it would be today. Anxious energy electrified her limbs, just as it had all day. She was not looking forward to this. Not looking forward to her shit lawyer, not looking forward to her shit meeting or seeing Edmund. She would gladly sign away her half of everything, the house, the cars the savings. Whatever. Put a piece of paper in front of her right now and she would sign it just as easily as she had her marriage certificate, giving away her rights to everything she owned, if only it meant she didn’t have to actually physically attend this meeting.

She weaved a hand through her hair and furiously searched her brain for a solution.

 _What the fuck are you going to do?_

“Alright there, Poppins?” Jamie asked, coming up behind her with a mug of tea. The steam rolled from the mug and off into the atmosphere. Dani envied it.

“Car won’t start,” she mumbled, biting a nail.

Jamie’s eyebrows jumped. “Not good,” she commented sipping.

Dani cast her a glance, sorrowful, and Jamie frowned at her. She looked her over, taking in her formalwear and her eyes widened. “Christ Poppins, your meeting!”

Dani nodded.

She threw her tea out onto the grass and turned to her own truck, rummaging for the keys in her pocket, “come on!”

Dani didn’t need to be told twice. “You sure?”

She threw her a disbelieving look. “Obviously.”

“Thank you,” she murmured, climbing into the truck.

Jamie started the engine and manoeuvred the gear stick so smoothly, and so carefully, that Dani wasn’t even aware how fast they were speeding. She knew they must be by the trees flinging past the window much more violently than they did when _she_ drove. But Jamie was cool under pressure and this must be normal for her.

It had been a week since the parking lot. A week since they’d spoken about the divorce. It hadn’t been mentioned since, both more in favour of their easy witty banter than anything dark and dangerous like broken marriages and catching feelings.

Though Dani was as certain of one as the other, from her point of view at least.

The small lingering touches, never anything more than what would be considered friendly, or the prolonged glances, finding her eyes in a room full of people. The little fires set alight under her skin when Jamie would say something just slightly on the risqué side, shocking her as if Dani had never heard a dirty word in her life. All of it planted itself into Dani’s brain and she couldn’t _not_ think of her, try as she might.

Her dreams once again held nothing but Jamie in them, so much worse this time now that she knew what she was missing.

She had never felt more compelled in her whole life than she had in the past week to kiss someone, to feel her lips pressed against her, to taste her mouth and feel her tongue slide along her own.

And every thought thrummed within her, longing to be acted on, to have relief provided. Even simple things, the way she shifted through gears so expertly, always knowing what the car needed. Just like she knew exactly how to touch Dani, perceived her sounds, twitches, touches, and acted with the knowledge granted by Aphrodite herself.

It all combined within her to make Dani just about as hot and bothered as she could remember being.

“How you feeling about this?” Jamie asked, bringing her back to reality.

Dani sighed out a nervous laugh, “I don’t know honestly. Nervous I suppose.”

Jamie nodded. “Yeah, you’ll be alright though.”

_Would she?_

“Thanks,” Dani said, hoping it would be true. Things that she thought would be okay had a distinct pattern of not being okay these days.

She thought it would be okay to marry Eddie, that it would be okay in the end.

It hadn’t.

She thought it would be okay to have sex with the gardener.

It hadn’t.

She thought it would be okay to go see her mother.

It certainly hadn’t.

She just wanted it all to end now. Final piece of the puzzle. Slot it in and get it over with. Time to start afresh, open a new chapter and rebuild her life.

She bit her nail as her anxieties washed over her. If she could just get through this meeting it would all be okay. Everything would be fine.

All too soon, Jamie pulled up outside of the building. She could see her lawyer checking his watch irritably just inside the door and her stomach turned to cement within her.

“Good luck, Poppins,” Jamie said, kindly, giving her arm a small squeeze.

Her mouth was dry, but she choked out a, “thanks,” and a small fragile smile.

“I’ll wait here,” she told her.

Dani would have told her she didn’t have to, that she would take a cab back to the academy, but she was grateful to Jamie for the offer, and not entirely sure the nerves would allow her to waste words on anything that wasn’t an absolute necessity. She nodded to her and made her way into the building over to her Mr. Banks.

“Almost late,” he commented sharply.

She frowned and refrained from rolling her eyes at _almost late_ now being cause for concern.

It set the tone for the entire meeting. She acquiesced on everything. Eddie had told his attorney about the pills, just as her mother had said he would. Half of everything was now zero. No house, no bank account, no investments. Mr. Banks looked at her in disgust when it came out, and tried very little to stop her being steamrolled.

_He’s getting paid anyway, what does he fucking care._

She couldn’t give a single fuck.

She didn’t care until the very end, when Eddie’s eyes met hers and he pleaded, “Dani, it doesn’t have to be like this. We can start again, try again. There are places you can go, places that can help you.”

“Help me?” she asked, confused.

“Fix you. So- s- so, we can fix this.”

Her eyes had widened at the implication. She could not believe him, that he would even go there.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she told him sharply.

His eyes narrowed at her, stung, “these aren’t the only things that can be taken away from you.”

Her heart seized and mouth went dry, and she prayed _no, no, no. Don’t be saying what I think you’re saying._ “What do you mean, Eddie?” A cold sweat coated her back, and she hoped her white blouse didn’t show it.

“I found a place, they say it’s 98% effective. Conversion therapy they call it.” His face was straight as a nail, eyes intense and very much serious. He leaned forward in his chair, the weight of his hopes and dreams, of the future they were building, resting heavily on his shoulders.

She felt sick looking at him. Her stomach twisting horribly. He was taking everything he had promised was theirs, and she was glad to oblige. She had taken his heart and squashed it. And still, he asked for more. Her family, possessions, and youth not enough for him, he would have her very soul. “No, Eddie.”

She had pulled the papers to her, ignored every single man in the room trying their fucking hardest to force him into her life, and signed her name on the dotted line. She shoved the papers at him, and watched as his pen hovered over the blank line under _Edmund O’Mara._ He paused and looked at her, searching in her eyes for something, for the last thing that he could take. “Fuck you, Danielle. For doing this to me. I hope you’ve told St. Charlottes you’re a dyke, because if you haven’t, they’ll know soon enough.” And he signed his name violently.

She stood on legs that didn’t feel like her own, opened the glass door with clammy hands that she couldn’t connect her brain to and made her way through the busy building not hearing anything happening around her. She was stuck under water. Stuck in someone else’s dream, someone else’s nightmare. Shock roared through her body, insulating her from registering anything other than how cold she felt, how much her body shook, and, mercifully, the green truck still parked on the street.

“Jesus Dani, are you alright?” she asked, leaning over and pulling her to face the driver’s side. “You’re white as a ghost!”

Her voice was panicked, she knew from the timber, but all her words floated in and out of Dani’s world without registering. The only thoughts she could really think of were just how completely fucked she was. Financially ruined, and soon to be un-hireable. No house, no family, no best friend. And the place where she had finally found some semblance of self, of happiness, about to be snapped away from her for revenge.

Did she deserve this? Was this right, given what she had done to him. She was no angel, by any means, _obviously_. Did that make this her just dessert?

“Is that him?” Jamie asked, and Dani finally surfaced. She turned to look, and he stared back, exiting the building with his lawyer. Spiteful fury on his face and sorrow in his eyes.

Dani nodded as the tears began to spill.

“I’ll have a fucking word.” She unbuckled her belt and moved to pop the door open.

Dani’s hand on her arm stopped her, and she obeyed her imploring voice to, “drive, please drive”.

The fury and panic in Jamie’s face was unmistakable. Her hands gripped the steering wheel so hard her knuckles turned white. She waited until they had crossed out of town and had made it several miles down the road before she pulled them into a small, secluded lane and held Dani as she wept.

Fat tears rolled down her cheeks, unstoppable in their mission to evacuate her body. She cried ugly loud sobs into the lapel of Jamie’s coat.

Minutes passed, and Dani’s misery subsided from bawling to more of a sniffling despair. Her head hurt, along with her eyes and her chest and her heart. She knew it wasn’t fair what she had done, but for him to betray her in such a way as this drove an ice pick through whatever was left of her fondness for him. It was as if she had never mattered at all. Just a thing he owned, and if he couldn’t have her no one would.

“What happened, Dani?” Jamie croaked from her shoulder, still holding onto her tight, and rubbing soothing circles on her back.

Dani shook her head in grief, waiting a few moments breathing the other woman in in great heaving breaths, before answering. “He’s going to tell Hannah that I’m gay,” she whispered.

Jamie pushed her back to look at her, and she saw her own agony reflection in Jamie’s eyes. A fresh round of sobs took her, and she buried her head in her hands.

“It’s going to be okay, Dani,” she soothed, drawing her close again.

Dani shook her head. “You don’t know that,” she wailed.

“I _do,_ ” she replied. “She knows I’m gay and she doesn’t care. She even knows I fancy the new girl, and she doesn’t care.”

Dani sniffled, “but I work with kids, Jamie. It’s the parents. They won’t want me teaching anymore. Her hands will be tied.”

All Jamie could do was squeeze her tightly and let her cry.

When she had calmed down, only in body, Jamie began the rest of the journey back to the academy. Dani chewed the inside of her cheek the entire time, rapid thoughts firing around her brain. She briefly considered denying it, passing it off as the product of a messy divorce, but she couldn’t do that. She had been running for so long, running and hiding, she was so tired.

Maybe it was the exhaustion of it all, but something within her snapped. She could not feel much of anything anymore. She would take whatever came her way, numb to it all. She would figure it out in the end. On her own. Without the weight of guilt or a husband on her shoulders.

When they pulled up Jamie reached over and gave her hand a squeeze before jumping down from her side of the truck and walking around to let Dani out.

Dani moved slowly, paced herself as if he had physically inflicted a wound on her. With every breath she drew it felt like a new hole was being punched through her rib cage.

Jamie walked slowly into the academy with her, as if to ward off anyone else who would try to hurt her. Protective and, Dani could see, scared.

Hannah was waiting for them in the foyer, her eyes snapped to Dani’s as soon as she entered, and she tilted her head sadly. “Dani,” she spoke softly. “Might I have a word?”

“Hanna-” Jamie started.

But Dani cut her off with a reassuring squeeze, “sure.” All the while her heart plummeted to her toes and she tread on it with every single footstep as she followed the older woman into her office.

She held her breath as Hannah shut the door behind her and dug her nails into her palms. If she felt the pain on the outside, perhaps she could hold it off long enough to not become a blubbering mess in this room, with a woman she held in such high regard.

“I have just gotten a very interesting phone call, Dani,” she looked her right in the eye, no hint of beating around the bush.

Dani appreciated it. She nodded at her to continue.

“You husband,” Hannah went on.

“Ex-husband.”

“Right,” she smiled sadly. “Yes, your ex-husband. Well he seemed rather upset. He told me that, well he told me-” she breathed out an uncomfortable sigh.

“He told you I’m gay,” Dani finished for her.

“Well,” Hannah stumbled, “well yes, but not in such terms actually.”

The ice pick in Dani’s heart wedged deeper.

“He seemed rather furious.”

“Yeah,” Dani whispered. “Yeah he is. I’ll go pack my stuff,” she walked backwards, eyes on the floor.

“Darling,” Hannah placed a hand on her arm, “whatever for?”

Dani met her eye, a faint glimmer of hope forming in her chest. Or so she thought, she couldn’t really be sure. It had been a while since she had felt anything quite like it. “The kids? I can’t teach them now?”

“Are you asking me dear?” Hannah smiled. “Do you think your being gay will affect you educating the children?”

Dani shook her head, “but the parents?”

Hannah smiled in sympathy, “I see no need for them to know.”

Dani let out a sob she had been holding in relief. Tears of sheer over-exposure to life ran down her eyes, and Hannah stepped in to hold her. “I was once married, you know,” she told her softly. “They really can be bastards, can’t they?”

Dani laughed and nodded, a joyous feeling settling in her.

“Will you be taking up board indefinitely? Here in the academy?”

“If that would be okay?” she looked up to meet Hannah’s shining eyes, and kind face.

She nodded, “of course dear. The company will certainly be appreciated. I think I told you when I hired you, we are quite like a family here. We must look after one another.” She straightened up. “Now come, off to bed with you. You’ve had a long day, and you must be exhausted.” She reached for the door handle to reveal Jamie pacing outside, biting her own nails.

At the fresh tears on Dani’s face Jamie’s expression turned shocked, and she met Hannah’s gaze, horrified.

“Jamie,” Hannah said sharply. “Do help Dani to her room, she is to do nothing for the rest of the evening but replenish her fluids. God knows she’s lost enough of them.”

She had muttered the last sentence and Dani laughed out a watery giggle and a, “thank you,” in response. The fear in Jamie’s eyes subsided.

Jamie accompanied her up to her bedroom and fished out her pyjamas, turning nobly around while she changed, and tucked her in. It wasn’t yet 7PM, but Dani was exhausted. Jamie placed a glass of water on her bedside table and left with a kiss on her forehead and an, “I told you it would be alright, Poppins.”

Dani slept dreamlessly all night, for once.

* * *

Six weeks had passed since her divorce and Dani could count a few life victories that she had chalked up.

Her things had been successfully moved into the academy, she no longer had to look for a place to live, and as a consequence of becoming a boarding member of staff, she was constantly in the good food.

She hadn’t had to eat a banana for days.

Her kids had begun to refer to her as Ms. Clayton. A few confused faces popped up to ask why when Dani had asked them to. She had replied that she prefers it that way and they had accepted it and settled into it quite well. Some had a slip up or two, but it was to be expected and Dani allowed it to pass without comment.

Her class were wonderful, and they helped open her heart up to the joy of life.

She hadn’t heard a single word from her mother, or from Edmund, and she truly counted that among one of her greatest blessings. The energy they required from her was too high, and she was much too busy rebuilding herself to deal with them.

She was happy. So much happier than she could remember being. She was finally herself, finally able to be free to do whatever she chose. She answered to only herself. The guilt that dogged her every footstep had all but vanished.

Perhaps it had been a good thing, Dani often reflected, that Edmund had outted her to Hannah. If he hadn’t she would be carrying around the guilt for lying to him about the pills. If he hadn’t fired back she might still be thinking of how badly she treated him as one of her defining characteristics.

Thoughts of him had been replaced almost entirely by fantasies of Jamie. She filled her every spare thought. Any negative notion to have sprung from Eddie was now, undoubtedly, a sex dream.

Sleeping or waking she thought of nothing more often than the grain in the other woman’s voice when she laughed, and how her low moans had whispered across her skin in the shower. How her fingers had felt tangled in her hair. How her hips had moved against her.

Dani sighed in frustration, overlooking her mountain of work to grade. Hers and Jamie’s relationship was strictly professional. A line had been drawn in the sand, and Dani was nothing if not respectful of that. She knew, first-hand, just how wrong it was to cross someone’s boundaries. She would never be the Eddie of a relationship, no matter how many times she had to cross her leg and blush furiously in her presence.

Jamie revelled in those moments, she knew. She could see it in the smirk on her face. She would see that smirk wiped off if she could.

She rubbed her tired eyes and got up from her desk. The marking could wait.

It was Halloween night and many of the kids were being picked up by their parents for the long weekend. Not all, but many. Dani had volunteered to help with the arrangements, though she wasn’t on duty. Hannah could use her help, and so could Becca. Any dealings with these parents were less than pleasant and there was strength in numbers.

She greeted people brightly, and kindly, and had impromptu progress meetings about many of the children with their parents. She’s not ashamed to say she even gave her least productive kids glowing reviews, their little faces shining up at her. A wink and a, “we’re getting there, aren’t we Charlie?” She couldn’t bear the thought that they’d spend their Halloween punished or studying. And the relief on their little faces made it massively worth it.

“That’s great,” Mr Mullins grinned at her from over his wife’s head, a perfect row of white teeth catching the light. “Thank you so much,” he grinned at her, eyes falling a little disappointedly to the high-neck dress she’d decided on.

Another small victory.

She’d bid Hannah and Becca goodnight after they’d gone, politely turning down their offer of tea. And they looked kindly back at her, each understanding in their own way her desire to be alone. It was the first time in her entire life she had been alone, and its exploration was something she was rather enjoying more than she had thought she could ever in those first lonely days in the motel.

Like a newborn fawn tumbling and stumbling around the place, her heart and mind were getting stronger by the day, still doing their usual flip flops whenever they were around the object of their affection.

_Jamie._

God, that woman’s essence was inside of her, rummaging around in her stomach and rib cage, and usually quite a lot lower. What was she going to do? She shook her head with a wry smile and pulled off her heels. This crush was a tantalisingly enjoyable experience for her. The sly looks, the secret giggles, the innuendos Dani had never before considered to be innuendos. It all surrounded her like a promise, a hope of freedom.

A soft knock sounded on Dani’s door and she tiredly made her way over to it. Speak of the devil and he shall appear, Jamie’s face, smiling and beautiful, was revealed.

“Evening, Poppins,” she greeted.

Hot water over ice, Dani’s knees trembled at the timbre of her voice. “Evening, Jamie,” she grinned at her.

She held up a bottle of whisky and two glasses. “Thought you might need a nightcap after that evening.”

“Please,” Dani laughed and opened her door widely.

Jamie sauntered over to her bedside table and poured the golden lifesaving liquid into two cups, crossing the room to pass one to Dani. Her fingers lingered on the glass a touch too long, and as Dani’s brushed hers a jolt of nerves tingled through them.

“I see you went modest this evening,” Jamie noted, eyes glittering.

“Mmm,” Dani nodded. “After last time.”

“Pity,” Jamie winked, and Dani’s stomach did a violent swoop. She smiled at the feeling, becoming altogether too addicted to it in recent weeks.

She blushed, “is it now?”

Jamie’s lips quirked into a smirk in challenge. “I think so, I quite enjoyed the other one.”

Dani took a gulp of her whisky and it burned her throat, matching the burning in her soul, “yes I remember,” she murmured, lost in the memory, eyes trailing over the floor where she had finally shed the dress.

Jamie followed her eyeline and snickered. “Couldn’t bloody wait to get it off you.”

Dani frowned, her heart beating furiously against her ribs. Jamie was always, _always_ , flirting, but rarely so candid.

“The minute I saw you, bright and breezy, swagger into my greenhouse and stick out your hand, I knew.” She took a swig of whisky from her glass. “ _Fucking hell_ , I said to myself,” she turned to face Dani, “ _you’re in trouble here Jamie_.”

Dani hung on her every word.

“And then, I see you throw out twenty-four long stemmed red fucking roses,” she scoffed. “With my own two eyes. Desecrating such hard work.”

Dani closed her eyes at the memory, embarrassed. “Sorry about that.”

Jamie laughed, “no, not at all, Poppins. I knew then there was something different about you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone rage fire a bouquet, vase and all, into a bin. Something wild and unpredictable lurked in you and I was hooked from that moment.”

Dani rolled her eys, “come on.”

“I am,” she looked at her seriously. “There’s something about you that I just can’t quite put my finger on.”

“You can if you want to,” Dani whispered, blunt and unexpected, even for her. The inner monologue that had been running in her brain somehow making it to the surface without her really knowing. She gulped another mouthful of whisky, not blinking.

Jamie just stared, and Dani began to question if the words had actually come out or not. “You want that?” she whispered, low and dangerous, again the predator waiting for Dani to vault herself into the waters she patrolled.

Dani bit her lip and nodded. Her breath hitched at the hunger in Jamie’s eyes. The permission granted had changed something on her face, no longer bluster and bluffing, ifs and maybes and possibilities, but now finding a tangible thread she could follow.

“What is it you want?” she murmured, sipping from her glass, and taking a step closer to Dani.

The air was getting thinner for Dani, thinner with every step Jamie took into her space. Her lungs couldn’t fill themselves with the oxygen she needed. She looked at Jamie’s eyes, down to her lips, and she wanted them. She wanted them on her neck, and her chest and her stomach. She wanted her sweet tongue to find her sex and take her and make her _Jamie’s_ again.

And she wanted it forever.

Her breath hitched out an answer, “I want you.”

Jamie grinned, and nodded. “Where do you want me?”

Dani trembled, she could already feel how wet she was getting. It should be embarrassing just how much Jamie could affect her without even touching her, without doing a single thing other than stare at her with her smouldering gaze. Her knees felt weak, and her chest felt light, and something took hold of her tongue for her because she could not even recognise her own voice when she said, “I want you everywhere, Jamie.” Low and wanting, and brave for once. She watched the candles she had lit earlier dance in the other woman’s eyes. “I want you on me, and in me. I have barely thought about anything else since last time.”

The intensity around them was palpable. Chests heaving and breath coming in uneven grounding gasps. “Me neither,” Jamie replied, stepping into her space finally, and placing her lips at her ear. “You have burrowed yourself deep into my head, Poppins, and every day spent not touching you is torture.”

“Then touch me,” she replied raggedly.

And Jamie didn’t need telling twice. Immediately her hand was weaved into Dani’s blonde hair and her mouth was on her neck. Soft, desperate, nipping bites. Each and every one pulling taught on Dani’s body and soul.

Dani groaned softly. She pushed and pulled and eventually got Jamie’s t-shirt over her head and found a palm full of Jamie’s breast.

Jamie caught her lips, weaving her tongue along Dani’s and pulling her toward the bed insistently. She felt the zip come undone at the back of the dress and let it slide lightly to the floor. Jamie unlatched her bra, and it tumbled down between them to join the dress on the floor. The jeans Dani had been working on were next.

A fire raged under Dani’s skin with every sweeping movement Jamie made down her back, her sides, her breasts, lips drawn to nipples as Dani fell atop her on the bed.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Jamie breathed, as Dani straddled her hips. She ran a hand down Dani’s stockings, thigh high, and her hips jerked of their own accord up into Dani, forcing a groan from her lips. “They’re fucking staying on,” she growled, “and these are coming off.” Dani wiggled her hips and shimmied out of her pants with Jamie’s assistance, settling back into her lap as quickly as she could manage.

The rumble of her voice had sparked low in Dani’s belly and she crashed her lips down into Jamie’s, frantic and fumbling and _needing_. She wanted nothing more than to taste the woman beneath her.

She loved it, she loved it all. The softness of her mouth, the way her lips melded perfectly to her own. The soft canting of her hips, trying to find any friction. The way her hands and short nails scraped desperately along her back, begging, needing something.

Dani broke away, trailing kisses down her neck and slid off Jamie to place her feet on the floor. She heard Jaime’s moan of protest, felt it rumble under her lips, where they were working a nipple taught. She scraped her teeth lightly over it and was rewarded with an immensely satisfying moan from the gardener and a, “Dani…”

She would forever work to hear her name fall from those lips. 

She ran her tongue around her nipple, soothing it from the abuse of her teeth, and trailed to the dip between her breasts, planting went kisses where her lips met skin. Jamie’s hands were tight in her hair, pulling lightly and setting her alight with the sensation.

She trailed kisses down further and further, past the end of her rip cage, past the perfectly formed abdominals, past the dip of her pelvis, and never broke eye contact with Jamie’s wide, wondering gaze. Dani watched as she bit her lip and her breath hitched in her throat, a low groan escaping and eyes falling shut when she ran her tongue along Jamie’s centre.

Dani had dreamed many times about what this would be like. The taste of her, the smell of her, the feel of her. The soft bucking of hips, the low pressure where Jamie’s hands weaved into her hair, the unmistakable sounds of her pleasure falling in drips from her lips, “Dani, Dani, Dani…”

None of it compared to the real thing. The feeling of wonder that it gave her to be the cause of so much pleasure, the feeling of Jamie wet sex on her chin. The way her tongue found an easy rhythm along Jamie’s clitoris, her legs shaking with every pass. Hips becoming more and more insistent, more frantic.

The way she fucking _loved_ it all so much that she was sure this was her new favourite thing in the whole world.

Jamie breathed in ragged breaths, instructed her in more high-pitched frantic gasps of, “ _there! Right there! Don’t stop, Don-”_

Dani didn’t stop, even when Jamie’s hips convulsed erratically, when her hands became painfully wrapped in Dani’s hair, when her legs squeezed shut around her. She wouldn’t have stopped even then, if not for Jamie pushing her away lightly with small jolts of her hips.

Dani rested her head on Jamie’s pelvis and stared in wonder as she came down. Her heaving chest, gasping for breath, provided possibly the best view Dani had ever seen in her life. Her fingers, still weaved in Dani’s hair, flexed soothingly into her scalp. “Wow,” she breathed, and Dani’s heart did a flip.

She ascended back up the length of her body at her light tug, and Jamie met her lips in a slow, languid kiss and something twisted in Dani’s chest at it. It was wholly unlike any of their other kisses, slow and sensual and soft. A satisfied little groan left Jamie’s throat and Dani smiled gently into her mouth. “You okay?” she whispered.

Jamie chuckled. “The most okay, I think.”

Her hands curled around Dani’s backside, and pulled flush so she ground into her own hips. Dani groaned at the alluring lack of friction it provided, and Jamie smirked, very aware of how desperate she was becoming.

Jamie shimmied down the bed, capturing a nipple between her teeth lightly, and Dani shivered all the way down to her toes. The feeling of being caught in her trap, of being neck deep in a warm pool of Jamie, drowning in her essence, filled her.

Jamie pushed against her hips and Dani, confused, scooted forward on the bed. She slid between her legs and Dani’s eyes widened. Her skin prickled. A hot tickling sensation raced along her back. She lost her breath. And when Jamie’s tongue weaved in between her legs she almost immediately saw stars.

Dani’s throbbing had turned to hammering watching Jamie climax under her touch, and it now became an inferno watching her pink tongue slip over and over her sex. She stared down, mesmerised as Jamie held her gaze, sure in her talents.

Each lick, each kneed of her hands on her thigh, each hot breath she felt on her was so much more than she was prepared for. And when Jamie slipped a finger inside of her, and a second, she moaned low and her hips moved of their own accord and she could feel herself coating Jamie in her want, her need, her desire.

Sparks wound right from Jamie’s tongue inside of her very soul and she knew she would last an embarrassingly small amount of time.

It took only minutes, or seconds, she wasn’t sure. Time was not a concrete concept. Dani was seeing stars, feeling herself plummet through the floor, as waves of pleasure wracked through her body.

And Jamie licked her through it all, as she rode each surge of her climax out on her face.

“Fucking hell,” she whispered, collapsing forward on to her hands and moving off the gardener and pressing her thighs together revelling in the tender aftershocks.

“Yeah,” Jamie murmured, breathless.

Dani bit her lip, sitting and moving over to where Jamie was catching her breath on the bed. She swallowed hard as Jamie took her in her arms and held her close.

And she didn’t want to ruin the moment, she really didn’t. It was as much bliss as she could remember feeling, the truest calm she had ever experienced. But she had to know. She swallowed hard and forced the words from her mind to her lips. “Will you stay?” she whispered unsure. She left out _tonight, tomorrow, forever._

Jamie pulled her back to meet her eyes, big and beautiful and brown. “Of course I will, Dani, for as long as you’ll have me.”

Dani grinned and placed a gentle kiss on her lips, finally exactly where she wanted to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really want to thank you guys so much for reading this fic and each and every kind word you've given me in those reviews. They mean the whole world to me. 
> 
> Please forgive me for the liberties I took here with the timeline and/or process of an American divorce in the 80s as I have no experience at all of that and kind of needed a quick turn around with it. I'm Irish and the most I can do is remember to write Owen instead of Eoin (if you've read Abysmally Boring you'll know that is not always successful).
> 
> I really hope you've enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. 
> 
> Maybe if we're very lucky the Gods will provide inspo for a Christmas oneshot epilogue ;)


	4. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning this is basically all sex. Hardly any plot. Just my faves finally getting some smluff. 
> 
> Absolutely will not be getting away with an M rating after this one.

Dani looked at the package, brown paper in decimated strips around the open box, and frowned.

She poked at it and tilted her head, confused.

_Surely not._

With a timid finger she lifted the garment into the air ever so slightly, and promptly dropped it, a blush creeping up her cheeks.

_Fuck._

Today was the last day of classes before Christmas vacation. Dani was altogether overjoyed. The past few months had certainly been tough, and beautiful, but most assuredly overwhelming.

She was looking forward to a break. Snow, spiced apple candles, coffee, reading and absolutely _no_ stress. No mother, Judy, Eddie. No pretence, no pretending, no faking. It was going to be magical.

Her class had been so well behaved and brought her so much joy over the past few months. More than they would ever know, really. She delighted in each one of their little victories. When Flora finally solved the long division posed to her (advanced for her age), her heart had soared. Similarly, when Glen had gotten through an entire page of his book, reading before the class, without mixing up a single word, she had been overjoyed.

A party was absolutely in order, Dani had proclaimed to them last week. They would eat candy canes and watch movies and exchange small had made artwork to their Secret Santa.

She wanted to make the holidays extra special for the kids, just like it would be for her. A silly, funny, lighthearted afternoon for everyone’s hard work. In the planning of it all she had placed an order for an elf costume that she had seen in a Christmas shopping magazine, just something to make them smile and laugh.

She most certainly did _not_ do isorder a **_sexy_** elf costume.

She shook her head, appalled, and slammed the lid back on the box, hurriedly shoving it under her bed and out of sight and got ready for her day.

Jamie caught her on her way to the classroom, her bright smile falling to her toes. “Poppins,” she sighed, disappointed, “where’s your costume?”

“What?” she felt the flush creep up her chest.

Jamie frowned, “your costume? Your elf?”

“What? I don- em- elf costume?” she asked, walking backwards as Jamie tip toed toward her.

Jamie nodded, “yeah, the parcel that arrived yesterday.”

“No,” Dani said, and cursed. When did the ability to string a sentence together abandon her?

Jamie’s eyebrows rose, “no?”

“Sorry, I- I mean,” she stammered, rushing down the hall to her classroom, away from the questions, “it didn’t fit.”

Jamie frowned, “Oh, right. See you later then.”

* * *

The lead up to Christmas Eve had been the most peaceful of her life. There was still wine and there was still some whisky, but none of the anxiety, or loneliness that came with it.

She would not be preparing gifts for anyone other than Jamie, and something small for Owen, Hannah and Becca. Nothing that would cost a fortune or take a long time to organise. She would not run around after anyone on Christmas Day. It would not fall on her to make sure everyone was having a good time or to plaster a fake smile on her face when her mother provoked someone drunkenly and Judy retreated to her own house, leaving Dani to deal with her venom.

It gave her plenty of time to think. As much as Dani loved her job, one of the greatest perks of being a teacher was that her holidays fell in line with the children’s.

While Jamie went off to work each morning she lay in bed and revelled in her bliss. She made her way to the kitchen in the mid-morning and procured herself a coffee from Owen and Jamie a tea and went to find her. The walk sometimes took long enough with grounds as big as they were for the tea to get cold, but Jamie always took it with a smile and a wink and a, “good morning, sleepyhead, nice lie in yeah?”

And Dani’s whole world swelled.

Finally, when she could no longer use a small tea break as a pretense to stare at Jamie while she worked, and whose restless hands began to pat at her plant pots in earnest, she would make her exit.

She would think of nothing else when she got back to her room but those small hands, hidden in large gloves, giving her their attention. Nimble, strong, and sure. She had undoubtedly been having the best sex of her life in recent weeks. More adventurous, more outrageous, more gratuitous. So many more orgasms.

And then she would think of the elf costume. Like a living, breathing entity under the bed. She wondered at it, never daring to touch it physically, but mentally she opened it every time she saw the small corner of the box peaking out from under the bed.

The package saw no daylight from the time it was shoved under the bed until Christmas Eve.

After Dani had joined her favourite gardener on their morning tea stroll, she sat on her bed and gnawed on her lip, curious. She huffed a breath into the air, set her jaw and fished the box out. She wrenched the lid off and trawled through its contents with mounting awkwardness.

_Why is this so hard, it’s just a costume!_

She would like to, she really would, but _how_ does one do this kind of thing. Just casually slip on something outrageously provocative and… pose? On the bed? What kind of presentation did it require?

Spikes of anxiety poked her stomach from the inside and she ran a hand over her forehead before splaying the contents on the floor.

She could just look, and then she could decide.

Trying it on didn’t mean anything.

She would just… see how it fit. See how she felt.

A self-conscious chuckle escaped her as she rifled through her new items. She knew what _most_ of this stuff was, and how to put it on, but held up a particularly lacy piece and stared at it in confusion. “Maybe there’s a picture…” she mumbled and tipped the box completely over to a mess of tissue paper and thin fabric. “Okay, no picture,” she puffed out a breath. “Come on, how hard could this be.”

* * *

Twenty minutes later she stood in front of the mirror, studying herself. She had managed the over knee pin striped red and white stockings with no issues. The thin, mostly useless, lace underwear was also fine. The green silky bodice didn’t prove much of an issue. But the suspender belt and clips were a fucking nightmare. She fought long and hard to figure out just how in the name of the Good Lord it was supposed to work.

When she had finally worked the back clips onto her stockings, after a fight with mostly herself, she surveyed her work.

It would never see the light of day in anyone’s presence but her own. She was almost certain of that. But, she had to admit, it was… _kinda hot!_

Very impressed with her hard work, she turned to the side to get a different view and a self-satisfied “huh,” fell from her lips. She could see why some people might be into this, and bit her lip wondering if maybe she was some people. If Jamie wore something like this for her, how would she react?

And how might she pose herself in such a wa–

“Dani! What time do you rec– _oh my God!_ ”

“ _Jamie!”_

_No. No. No no no nonono._

Jamie had unabashedly vaulted herself through Dani’s door suddenly, and just as quickly exited, pulling the door closed behind her.

And Dani died. She was sure of it. You don’t come back from something like this. The way her heart pounded so fast, so hard. Surely it would come through her ribs any moment now, throw itself out of her chest and over her swelling cleavage. And that was only given it would beat her lungs to the punch, asphyxiation becoming a very serious contender for her life as she could not remember how to fucking breathe.

Her legs carried her over to the door numbly, her furious blush overriding any other sensation her body was capable of feeling.

_Jesus fucking Christ! The one day she doesn’t knock! The one fucking day!_

A tentative light knock sounded on the door, and she rested her forehead on the wood willing it to cool her burning face, thoroughly mortified.

“Dani?” Jamie called out, quietly.

She shook her head, blazing scorch marks into the surface. “No, I’m afraid she died about thirty seconds ago.”

She heard a chuckle, and her chest unclenched just the tiniest bit.

“Well, can I come say goodbye to her?”

“Um. She just needs to put clothes on first.”

“Oh, well I would much prefer if she didn’t.” Jamie’s voice was low, and grainy, and closer to the door than it had been.

Dani’s skin prickled.

_She’s into it._

An entirely new clench took her chest, and a stirring in the pit of her stomach. On the precipice of one of those new victories she had been chalking up for herself.

Her hand hovered over the handle. She swallowed hard, and turned it, stepping backward further into the room.

Jamie pushed the door open slowly, edging into the room. She stood sure and wanting and closed the door with a finality that Dani registered distinctly as _you’re in this now._

And that was absolutely fine by her. The look in Jamie’s eyes was one she had seen before. Beautiful and blown. Lustful and wanton. And a promise in them, of such pleasure to come.

She tried to stand confidently, but she was suddenly not sure at all where her arms were supposed to go. Were the _always_ just at the side?

“Well, well, well,” Jamie’s voice rumbled within her chest, and she shivered.

The look of open desire on her face buffed up Dani’s courage, and she smiled in what she hoped was a coy way.

“What do we have here,” she continued, low and playful, “a lost little Christmas elf.” She stalked closer, unzipping her coat and letting it fall to the floor. “My very own Christmas present.”

Her smile shone mischievously and the tremble that took Dani’s spine was only challenged by the sharp spark of arousal to hit her hard.

“All for you,” she murmured back, surprising herself.

“My, my, what a _generous_ gift.” Her eyes trailed down to Dani’s chest.

Dani’s breath caught in her throat as Jamie stopped in front of her and caught her lips in a blazing kiss, more wanting and needy than Dani had ever felt from her. Jamie’s tongue licked at her lips, begging for entrance, and Dani granted it only too gladly, matching her passion instantly.

Dani felt her back bump roughly into the wall behind her, Jamie having directed them there wildly. She ran her hands along the tight bodice of her costume, with each pass of her hand on the silk her kiss became more frantic.

“ _Christ_ ,” she breathed, breaking away, and bent down to nip at Dani’s cleavage.

Dani closed her eyes and moaned, and squeaked, and dug her hands into Jamie’s hair every time her teeth teased at her skin.

Jamie managed to pull the bodice down under her breast and delighted in her triumph by taking her prize into her hot mouth, teeth running lightly over Dani’s nipple.

An unintelligible noise left Dani’s mouth, and she crashed her hips into Jamie’s. She pulled at Jamie’s hips and she stumbled forward a few steps. Dani found some sweet relief griding against the hard fabric of Jamie’s jeans, and Jamie let her for a moment, working back up her neck with searing kisses, before stepping back and growling into her ear, “my, my, my, what a naughty little elf.”

Dani went weak, every single blood cell rushing to her core, and gasped.

Jamie pulled back and smirked at her lustfully. “Is that what you are?”

Dani bit her lip and nodded. Throbbing and trembling.

_I’ll be anything you fucking want me to be._

“Say it,” Jamie growled.

Dani’s eyes widened, her breath caught, her mouth went dry, “I’m a naughty little elf.”

“Whose?” Jamie pressed, roving over Dani’s nipple with her thumb.

The same unintelligible noise left Dani’s lips and Jamie’s eyes flashed, enjoying her power. “Yours, I’m your naughty little elf,” she groaned.

Jamie grinned lasciviously, and twisted Dani in her arms.

Dani gasped, facing the wall, and felt Jamie tug her head backward lightly by the hair. Her legs almost gave out. She trembled in anticipation.

She fucking _loved it_ when Jamie took control.

“You know what happens to naughty little elves, don’t you Dani?” Her voice rumbled through Dani’s brain, now almost completely taken over by the fog of intensity between them. Each and every nerve ending in her body on high alert for Jamie’s touch as she wound her hand around Dani’s body, sliding lightly up her silk and once again taking her breast in hand.

Dani just shook her head, words failed her.

Jamie chuckled, lashing a tongue out to lick the shell of her ear. “Well they get punished.” 

Jamie latched onto her neck, igniting a blaze under Dani’s skin. Dani moaned loudly and shifted her hips backward, desperately needing to relieve the sweet torture she felt.

“Ah, ah, ah,” Jamie breathed onto her neck, her breath cooling Dani’s skin. “That’s not for naughty elves.” She wedged a knee between Dani’s legs, too low down to be of any use to her, but planted in the exact right position to stop Dani from closing her own legs.

“Jamie,” she breathed, ragged.

“Mmm,” Jamie responded, trailing her other hand down Dani’s stomach, over a hip and pausing.

Dani bit her lip and sighed. Anticipation raced through her veins, waiting for talented fingers to fly over the thin lace of her pants, but Jamie’s hand trailed down her leg instead and Dani groaned.

Jamie chucked, and nipped her shoulder. “Yes?” she asked.

Her hips were firm on her backside, hands held her tight, knee planted between her legs. Dani was out of options. She could feel her arousal pooling.

She loved it.

“Jamie,” she sighed, and Jamie’s hips ground forward of their own accord, finding no relief for herself either.

“Yes, Dani?” she growled, nipping harder on her throat and making Dani’s heart beat violently and her head swim.

Dani knew exactly what she wanted.

Jamie’s hand trailed back up her inner thigh, skimming over her sex. She drew her fingers along the line of her pants, and Dani shivered.

Dani wouldn’t do it, she would not do it.

Jamie dipped her fingers in the band and back out again, and scratched short nails lightly over her stomach.

Dani trembled.

“ _Jamie please_ ,” she did it. She begged. Her voice was low and whining, and never had she thought it would ever come from her throat like that, but she was grateful in an instant when Jamie’s hand plunged between her legs.

Dani met her hand with hard rocking of her hips, attempting to get Jamie to touch her where she needed her most.

Jamie, playful and coy, slid her fingers lightly along Dani’s folds, purposefully avoiding putting any real pressure on her clitoris. Dani groaned in frustration and felt Jamie chuckle against her shoulder. She ran her hand over her breast in smooth languid movements, catching her nipple between two fingers. Dani whimpered, she couldn’t take this pace, slow and maddening. She needed more or she would melt into a puddle on the floor before Jamie. 

She reached behind her and dipped into Jamie’s jeans and pants. Her fingers found exactly what they were searching for in the second it took Jamie to extract her hand with a scandalised laugh and a, “you are so bold!”

Dani’s hand was placed back on the wall in front of her, where it glistened with Jamie’s want. She was wet and it was amazing and exactly where Dani wanted to be. Clearly, she enjoyed Dani’s frustration immensely. The knowledge that she was enjoying her power inflated Dani’s desire and she almost reached down with the same hand to touch herself, but Jamie’s was back and tugging her pants down her leg, trying desperately to get them off.

“Fuck,” she grumbled. “Fuck!”

Dani looked down to Jamie’s insistent hands. The lace pants had caught in the clip she had fought desperately with and of fucking course there would be an issue right before she was about to get what she fucking wanted.

“Rip them,” she panted.

“What?” Jamie asked, gravel in her voice.

“ _Rip them off, Jamie_.”

Two hands wound around her thighs and wrenched either side of them, and they fell to the floor in a ruined heap. Instantly Jamie’s hand was between her legs, slipping over her clitoris again and again and again. Dani moaned loudly into her mouth, where she welcomed her frantic kiss.

Jamie’s other hand reached through her legs from behind, and her fingers slid easily into her and Dani mewled into their kiss.

She was good at this, so good at this. Her hands had a power in them to set Dani’s spirit on fire, pure electricity. She marvelled every single time at the precision her hands were capable of, not a single movement wasted, each one jolting into Dani’s body like a bulldozer and knocking her senses out.

Jamie’s expert hands worked hard, building her higher and higher. Dani could feel it, the knot inside her twisting and tightening ever more with every movement Jamie made. She was close, she was so close, “Jamie,” she breathed out a whine, “Jamie, I’m- I’m-”

But then Jamie’s hands were gone, instead planted firm on her hips and the leg was back preventing her from closing hers. “No!” Dani keened. She could have cried. She had maybe been a single second away from what had promised to be an Earth-shattering orgasm.

“Naughty elves don’t get to come,” Jamie drawled, scratching up her thigh.

She groaned out her frustration loudly and bit her lip as her head thumped against the wall in front of her. Jamie’s arousal still coated her fingers, and she closed her fist, feeling her fingers slipping against each other, and smiled.

She pushed back from the wall, pitching Jamie back a couple of steps, and turned to face the other woman in time for Jamie to grab her wrists and pin her against the wall. She met her lips in a searing kiss before Dani pulled away and dropped to her knees.

Jamie, off balance, released her arms and Dani made quick work of the jeans her wily gardener wore. They, and her soaked pants, were around her ankles before she could even mention the word _naughty_ , as much as Dani longed to hear it.

Dani was on her in an instant, weaving her hands through her legs and pulling so that her tongue reached Jamie’s hot centre. She groaned at the feeling, the soft, slick, wet arousal of Jamie. It was clear she had enjoyed her play, Dani could tell she was already close. How she could hang on like that Dani would never know, she herself a slave to her lust. The teasing and taunting her gardener was capable of was beyond her capability.

Jamie’s hand was in her hair, the other against the wall. A leg that had wriggled out of her jeans was draped across Dani’s shoulder, the other ankle still wearing her jeans. It was just about the hottest thing Dani had ever seen. Like she had come in from a long day of work and just couldn’t even wait to undress before she needed Dani’s mouth. It was blindingly attractive.

She slid her tongue in familiar patters over Jamie, delighting in her small whimpering groans and her, “oh God, oh God.” She loved this, giving Jamie this feeling. She loved the sensation of her tongue on her, she loved staring at her while she worked her up into a frenzy. Knowing her secret sounds and secret pleasures. It hit her right in her own core and her head began to swim. She reigned in her explorations and focused just on the bundle of nerves that would have Jamie panting.

Dani knew what Jamie liked, knew what she wanted. Knew that with the tightening of her hand in her hair, the higher pitch of her voice and the way her hips rocked against her face in time with her soft tongue, that she was on the edge. In seconds she had crashed, jerking against Dani’s tongue as her orgasm descended on her in waves.

“Oh my God,” she breathed, collapsing to the floor. “Oh my fucking God. I need a fucking minute.” She lay back on the floorboards.

Satisfied with her work, Dani climbed on top of her, watching as she came down slowly, her chest heaving.

Softly, Dani began to undo the buttons on her flannel, snaking a hand in and under her bra as Jamie took great shuddering breaths. Dani found her nipple and dragged a thumbnail lightly over it and felt the heat between her legs reignite and Jamie’s groan. Dani kissed her perfectly sculpted jaw line.

“Is it time for me to get off the naughty list?” she asked, breathless and only just stopping herself from grinding down on Jamie’s hip. She was close enough that it might actually be enough to climax, but if she waited for Jamie she knew it would be explosive.

Jamie chuckled, “I think you might have redeemed yourself.”

She drew Dani forward to give herself some room, and without hesitation Dani felt Jamie’s fingers slide into her. She groaned heavily and sat up, flushed and ready and _needing_ more. Her hips canted automatically down onto Jamie’s fingers, and she watched her eyes widen and her pink tongue flick across her lips, _“fuck, Dani”_ tumbling out of them.

Dani moved in time with Jamie’s fingers and _God_ it was good, but she needed “ _more_ Jamie, _please more_ ,” she begged, not wanting to be stopped again for not being a _good little elf_.

She saw Jamie’s throat work as she swallowed and nodded vigorously and felt the delicious stretch of her third finger. The tight knot in her stomach was winding tighter and tighter, and when Jamie used the thumb of her other hand to circle Dani’s clit, only a handful of times, it exploded.

Pleasure surged through her, wiping every thought from her mind, every single thing from existence except for Jamie’s furiously working hands until she tipped forward in a sated heap, draped over Jamie.

“Fuckin’ hell, Dani,” Jamie murmured, breathless, “I think I love you.”

Dani smiled into her shoulder. She was distinctly aware it was pillow talk, but her chest opened and let the words in anyway, certain that someday they would be uttered in earnest and in the right context.

* * *

Later that evening, as they lay in bed, Dani shuffled to her beside table and pulled out a carefully wrapped box.

Looking into Jamie’s quizzical face she placed it on her lap and smiled.

“Poppins,” Jamie drawled, “you do realise it’s Christmas Eve, don’t you?”

Dani smiled softly, and shrugged, “I’ve always liked Christmas Eve better.”

“Well,” Jamie said, shuffling over to her and platting a chaste kiss on her lips, “I like you better than either, so I’ll take whatever you’re giving.”

Dani scoffed at her suggestive tone and wrapped her arms around her, making her work awkwardly to unwrap the present.

“My second favourite thing to rip this evening, I think,” Jamie mumbled, and Dani blushed furiously.

Jamie cracked the box open, and Dani bit her lip.

“A seed?” she asked.

Dani nodded. “Mhm.”

“Thank you,” she responded, chuckling. “What is it supposed to grow into.”

Dani groaned a tiny groan and buried her head in Jamie’s neck. “Well. It’s _supposed_ to be a passionflower, but I ordered it from the same place as the elf costume so who can really say.”

Peels of laughter tumbled out of Jamie’s lips, and even just that sound was the best Christmas present she had had in a long time.

“Thank you, Dani.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all ever break up with someone but end up at their house for that one last goodbye (a few times)?  
> That's me and this fic. This is me and my fic's break up sex.  
> Merry Christmas ya filthy animals. 
> 
> I'd love some feedback if ya fancy leaving it :)


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